The Death Sentence

When do you know you are not going to live like others expect?  When do you say enough is enough?  When do you say I no longer belong to society the way you are?

You know when you realize that you are eventually going to die from something that nobody can fix, nor really tell you exactly what is wrong, your life fundamentally changes.

I have known this for a couple years now, as this is one of the criteria to get the disability support I get from the Federal Govt. Long term expectations is death, directly or indirectly from the injuries.  Well, I think when you get only a couple hours of sleep a day, no matter what, your body eventually starts to not like it.

The strange part is this only scares me for a couple reasons.  One, I will miss my son, the thought of not seeing him anymore just terrifies me.  This is one main purpose behind this blog as well, something for me son to maybe have a better understanding of why dad was the way he was.  The other main reason this scares me is, I love living life.  I won’t miss the pain, the suffering, the inability to leave my home, or bed at times.  I won’t miss the blatant discrimination I face, and I will eventually start to open up about that.

Nope, I will miss my creek, my rally car, my biking through the forest trails along the cliff face at top speed, defying the falls and death or major injuries.  Living.

I will miss teaching my son about life and getting him prepared for it.  I call it my gift.  I have nothing else anymore to pass on.  My money is gone. My health is gone.  My future is gone except through him.  So I have started to prepare him for life.  I started the day he was born and have never slowed down.  In time I will share much of this if possible, as from all I can see many parents never prepare their kids for life.  They are too busy, too tired, too into their own needs to care.

This last car accident has really put a major monkey wrench into my life plans.  I am now almost unable to do the things I love.  My poor car is destroyed, never to enter a rally event, and that is a shame, what a gem of a machine.  My sons and my bikes are destroyed, not only can’t I afford to replace them now, I am not sure my body will allow me to ride when I can replace them.  I am suffering from post concussion syndrome.  This last one really is bugging me bad.  My head hurts bad, everything is in a fog, I have no memory of anything new.  The nerve damage I suffered makes me legs give out on me.  I fell the other day on my creek trails, on a cliff, but thank goodness I did not go over the edge.  I got hundreds of pictures and video of this walk I will attempt to post up soon, right now I have no idea how.

I can no longer just go out anymore, I no longer have the ability to even get to my creek, I have no car, and live too far away right now to get there on my own.  Never mind the fact nobody wants me to walk alone anymore because of my falling.  I have not really moved from my home since the last fall.  6+ hours of physiotherapy everyday, and bed rest.  I feel like I am back on day 1 from my car accident, not 3+ months into my rehab.

Death sentence?  Fuck that!!  Life sentence.  This is I think my point, at least I hope it is.  Why sit around with your thumb in your bum complaining about how bad you have it?  Why not enjoy every living second you can?  Pain and suffering keeping you from doing things with your kid?  Do more.  You will die.  You will suffer.  You will be forgotten by those you drag into your world if you just moan and groan.

I can no longer take pain medication, my body rejects it, or maybe more accurate, my mind does.  So I just embrace the pain the best I can, yes at times I limit myself, no choice.  Learn your limits, play within it 🙂 But please stop using your pain to reject those that love you and want to do things with you.  It is your legacy.  You want to be that asshole that finally died, or do you want to be that unbelievable life altering person that everybody will miss and wish to emulate.  Once your dead, your dead.  It is your choice how people will view you after you are worm food.

Well, I think I will wrap this up now, and I guess the message is this. Live you life to the fullest, get out, enjoy, live raise your children, or sit around, making life nasty for those around you.  Do so one way and everybody will be relieved when you die, live the other way and people may pass on your life stories and try to live the way you set out.  I know for myself I will choose the latter, it is the only legacy I have left for my son.  So I will teach him and any others that wish to listen on how to live a solid life, not be a lemming, think for yourself, act for yourself, sometimes being right sets your far apart from others.  Knowing you are strong enough to disagree with society at times is great, as most people just follow the lead of others and never really think.

Happy Reading

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