Back in 2013 I was in the care of a pain specialist. I had seen everybody at this point, done everything everybody had told me to do to feel better. So now I am on pain killers. opioids. Great ones, I flew, my mind went all over, explored everything you could imagine.
I over and over explored in my mind how being dead would finally relieve my suffering. I knew that chopping off arms or wrists would never do, no i needed a better out.
I won’t get into huge details as my son will one day read this, but on my 45th Birthday I learned I was no longer a married man. This was the day I learned my spouse was having an affair with one of my oldest friends. This is the last day I remember for many weeks, the last thought before my vacation from reality.
I woke up in intensive care a couple of weeks later, no idea how I got there or why I was there. Tied down on the bed unable to move.
What is going on?
Well, it seems the pain killers the medical community wanted, no, demanded I take wanted to end my pain forever. The pills demanded and I took 500 + of them, a full concoction of everything I had in my arsenal. It nearly worked, I was out for 2 weeks. Woke up to my spouse telling me our marriage is over and she with her new partner beside her at the time…how lovely.
Well the excitement didn’t end there. It seems that here in Canada when they think you tried to kill yourself you get put into the mental ward. Now here is where my real vacation began. A trip into the absurd. The best and worst people I met were from here. One may think the patients, my fellow nutbars were the bad ones, you would be wrong. It was the staff for the most part.
I had the pleasure of having some of the worst people in charge of me, including one wonderful lady that only listened to my “wife” about what happened. My care worker called me a liar, treated me like an animal, and in the end told me the day I left the hospital in the pouring rain ” I don’t care what happens to you, you are garbage”. But that is moving a little fast I think, but a fine example of the quality staff at the Mississauga Trillium Hospital.
I actually found that but for a couple staff members the best people in the place were the patients. We were a small unit, I can’t remember how many of us but not more then 20. Most there just had some problems they needed help with from the doctors. Nobody dangerous, just simple people with problems beyond their abilities to deal with. I liked almost all of them very much. I had many a laugh, and many a cry. We played silly games, cards, danced and sang silly songs. We for the most part got better. Not everybody got out alive I am sad to say, RIP Rona.
What I found so interesting was the more the patients got along and the more we did together, the less staff liked it. They did their utmost to discourage us from all doing things at the same time. Nothing overt mind you, but small things, like taking too long to sign us out of the hospital to the point we could not spend the out time together. Shutting off the TV saying we were getting too loud, hello people, NHL playoffs going on. I don;t know it just seems strange that when a group gets along and wants to help each other out, you would think this would be a good thing.
Well the time was well spent there, a couple weeks in fact. Seems I was not crazy . Seems all I had been saying was true. Seems a great deal of lies got told, and people, well me got treated rather harshly for in the end this got ruled as a horrific reaction to the medication and situational issues. Funny how in the end all some people really needed was love and caring, some medical attention. Not the perfect answer for all, but a good start for many.
I learned so much from my break from reality. I view everything in life today very different from others I know. I have seen a darkness many others cant understand. I feel in every ounce of my being that I was kept alive for a purpose. I also think that I took too long to start my last projects, I think my car accident and the coming rehabilitation time ahead of me is the start of my final purpose in life. My kick in the ass to get going.
Well as you well know, once your vacation is done, you are forced back into the real world. Back to the grind, the work weeks, the traffic jams, the problems in life. My vacation is over. This accident and now the brain injury I think have finally woken me to the fact my work has just begun again.
I will post as I can, and in the future will write about both my past life and my new working life, the brutal physiotherapy, the horror of pain, the constant tears at night as I sit alone in pure agony. A world where my mind is in clouds, unable to handle any stress, memory so bad I cant write anymore, draw on words to speak normally, this really does make me look silly, but the kids love it.
Welcome to my world, I hope you enjoy the tour, if you have any questions, please feel free to mail me and I will write about anything you ask.
Now it is a Sunday, stop reading my words and go enjoy yourself, go on now, this will be here another time. Your time with your family and loved ones runs out faster then you may think, dont find yourself left behind on that Sunday writing this as I am.