I Love You!

The three worst words I have ever heard in my life.  They trap you, make you weak.  The words of a con artist.  I have heard these words from my family, they wished I had died when I was young.  Really?  You don’t believe me?  Heard this enough, read it enough as well, yes I have the emails saying this. Imagine that.

A wife, she dumped me in the hospital one year and left with a friend of mine.  I have never been home since.  My poor son is terrified of the hospital now, he knows sick people go there and never return home now.

Every time I hear this false garbage I just wait for the kick in my balls to follow.  I think people love to use these three words, but they are totally meaningless.  I think now they are used to make the person saying them feel good, not the person being told.

The bottom line people is you are alone.  Got a wife?  A husband?  For how long.  Think they give a damn about you?  Not likely, a con.  What are you doing for them of late?  Not enough?  Good bye.

After being told I was not to walk to my doctors today, an hours walk each way as it is just too far, I agreed to getting some help, a lift, just a drive…guess what?  I never saw my doctor, nope he was running late, and I all heard from my ride was, I need to get home, my son needs to get picked up by his dad.  I felt guilty for needing a doctor, for taking up another’s time. Anarchy of the confused mind, a black hole , memories lost.

Well, I never got the medication I need to reset my brain, I never got to find out what is going on with my injuries.  What I got is a raging fury to hurt people.  I am so happy to be alone tonight, I think i would hurt somebody very bad otherwise.  I am scared. Darkness.

Why is it people have to add on words they really don’t mean?  Why not, hey I like you, but only when you can do things for me.  When you are whole. Fun.  Able.  Otherwise, I got a life and it is not involving you chump. So go away, I am busy, and you cause me stress.

I think the only person left in this world I accept these three little words from is my son now.  I think he is the only one left on this planet that would really miss me if I were not here anymore.  At this point I think everybody else is just  fair weather people, happy to be around when all is well, but never there when things hit the fan.  Or at least only enough to assuage their own feelings.  To make themselves believe those three deadly words.  I love another, therefore I am.

I think I am now making a point to never allow anybody to hold anything on me, no more talk about love, I refuse those words from all but my son.  No more allowing people to do favours for me, as I am the only person left out in the cold.  If I cant do for myself, I think I will no longer accept the help of others.  I find it a sad state when others only take, but refuse to help when it is needed.  Mind you, when you expect help from others who gets let down?  Well you do silly.  If you never rely on another but yourself, well, if you hurt yourself that is your own darkness.

What is the saying?  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  I have enough shame in my life at this point.  I wont accept more, thank you all the same.

Yes people, I am hurting, i am alone, I used to have family, loads of friends, a happy life.  Now I have text messages not returned, requests ignored.  I feel like my now dead  great uncles, both served in the WW2 neither made it out of the veterans hospitals after the war. The only time they were allowed to leave was during High Holidays, so we got really to see them at Christmas.  This is how I now feel, I am allowed out of my prison cell (my home ) to have social time when others want to see me, others want to feel good about themselves the most hardened criminals get more from society.

This is amazing as not many years ago, I was the center of the social life, everybody wanted to have me around.  Now I am alone, brain damaged, mood swings that scare even me, in so much pain I cry daily.  Hey who first said that bullshit about if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger?  Not a person that is as damaged as I.

My head hurts.

I love you dark days.

 

 

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