This is written for only one person in this world. I am not sure if that person will ever read this now, but that is no longer my concern.
I have learned through 47 years that life is extremely hard. In life you rarely get what you want, and it almost never comes the way you expect things to happen.
I lost a person I loved dearly the other day. We never fought about things that were about us. Just about others. How people got treated, and how people treated us.
I am hurt very badly over this. But again in 47 years of hard living you learn that love is fleeting. Trust is today. Old habits die hard.
One of my favorite saying is ” you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” I have tried to lead by example, tried to show a better way to live. Tried to teach people how to stick up for themselves, but the only person they have ever fought is me. I must be an extremely capable trainor. I have nobody to share my life woes with now. I trained people to fight and survive but they have only learned to leave me. I guess I am still learning.
Pain lives on, in one form or another. Pain is my love now. It is always there, never leaves me, stays with me all night long, holding me, caressing me, keeping me awake with promises of more pain. This I know. This I trust fully, pain has not let me down in 20 years now. In fact, in under 7 years, I will have lived with the love of pain longer then I have lived free of its embrace.
I know that I know nothing in my 47 years. I still have much to learn, I am not certain I am a great teacher anymore either. My son loves me still, that is great. He is young yet.
I understand people come and go in your life, it still does not make things any easier. Crossing Western thinking and Eastern thinking is not easy. The funny part of this is, my thinking was not wrong, just not liked. All I asked was shown to be correct, peoples lives improved greatly when I was heard. When I was not heard, ignored, told this is not how I do things, everything went wrong, and fast. Now my Sunshine is gone.
I hold nothing but the best regards Sunshine, I hope all works out well, and at the end of your journey there will be a pot of gold for you. Maybe once back in Malaysia things will be easier for you. Personally I feel that life will be just as hard there, in fact harder. But I was not heard, all I tried to do was ignored in the end. My son bashed and trashed. That was the final straw. I had no choice but to stop being in love with Sunshine. I had no choice but to walk away and let life run its course.
This of course is not an easy thing to do. Yet in 47 years I have been forced to do just this several times. My family is gone, cut out as well. Money was important to them, they fought for it, lied for it, cheated people for it. They have the family wealth, eating fine meals, living in fine homes now. I have my pride, my one meal a day, and my son. He gets everything I have to offer. He eats well, gets lots of love, plenty of learning, and a growing mind that will hopefully allow him to avoid many of my mistakes. If not, he will at least have a solid base to deal with life when it comes calling. I never had that either, back in my day, the back of the hand of your parent was your lesson.
So best of luck Sunshine. Know I did love you. Know I still care in fact. But know our paths have finally turned in different directions to never merge again. You have taken a path I refuse to follow, you refused to follow that path I chose.
I hope for your sake Sunshine your desire to sit on fences does not end up hurting you more then it has now. Know that the Sun has set now, nightime has called, the time of Sunshine is over.