Here in My Car

The Cars wrote a brilliant song about cars, and feeling safest of all. Little did I know when I first heard this song so many years ago how in the end it would affect me.

When my friends built my car for me it gave me hope.  Freedom.  A chance to go places I wanted to go alone. And what a car it was. I have been blessed with friends in the rally race game.  They built me a fully street legal rally car.  A rocket on wheels. snow, ice, mud, it did not matter. 0-100+ kms in 4 seconds.

I felt alive again, I could take my son to school, the fastest car pool car in the school district. HE was so proud, it was going to be his car when he turned 16. We went camping in it, drop the hammer daddy he would scream. And I did for him. I was trained for years in rally driving, and I was not bad at all.

Now I never drove like an idiot with my son in the car ever.  The speed limit was what I did with him, we jsut got up to speed faster then anybody else.  I had the car built for safety, not built for racing at all, built for my son in mind.

It did not matter, I built a car for safety, trained for years to drive it safe, learning to drift, learning to use the handbrake when needed to make sharp turns.  Learned how to get the back end loose to make sharp turns easier even.  I guess what I never trained for was being over tired.  Sick, worn out.  I never trained to say I cant do something today, I need rest.  I trained all my life to do things now, dont put things off.

What a cost.

My car is gone, my fault.  My son almost died, my fault.  I am badly injured and likely will never recover fully, my fault.  My recovery has been rough, my fault.  I lost the respect of many of my friends and loved ones, my fault.  I am now mainly alone, my fault.  The life I now live is fully and only my fault.  Can I make it better?  I hope so.  Can I help others?  I hope so.

Now I am looking to get a new car, but I am scared.  Scared to drive, scared to drive others, scared to think about driving.  I am scared I will make another mistake that I wont be able to deal with, another mistake with the cost even higher.  So I sit, and wait, a person that hates sitting and waiting.  But I am learning.

I no longer know what the future holds for me, I imagine I will just stumble along with an idea of what I am doing but nothing more.  Again, I am scared of being alone, but when you make such a mess out of your own life it is hard to imagine others wishing to spend time with you.  I understand that.  When I had my furniture company I dealt with a lot of people with health problems like mine.  Few understood me when I said that I did not feel sorry for the person suffering as i do, I felt sorry for those that loved them.  Those that try to understand what we live like, and just how hard the easiest things are to us.

To those that have tried to love me over the years and left, I understand.  To those that have tried to help me over the years and now refuse, i also understand.

It is not fun to be around people like myself, we are wounded and suffering in ways most people cant imagine.  I will in future posts talk about the discrimination we face, the doors closed to us, the lack of support available to people that look as good as I do and suffer more then most of you can possibly imagine.  But this is about my poor car, and for that I am truly sorry, I will never have a car like it again.  My heart is gone.  Even if my old engine is put into my new car, I will never allow it to be tuned up to what it was.  It will be a car, a car to take my son places, to shop with, but nothing more.  My car I loved died during my August accident, and a piece of me died with it.

I may one day gain some freedom of movement again with a new car, but my love of driving the way I did is gone.  So I am thinking The Cars may have got the song wrong, as I no longer feel safest of all in cars.

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