Lightspeed

The world is an ever changing place. Nowadays information is around the world in minutes, everything in the open.  Information moves today faster than at anytime in the past.  What happens in one part of the world is known in the other in seconds now if you care to look.

This is how I feel now.  My life is moving at a speed I am nearly unable to manage.  In the past three years I have gone from being a loving husband and father living in a nice home to a single parent living in a one bedroom apartment with next to nothing.

I have had almost everything systematically stripped away from me. Now some I fairly admit are my own fault, but not all.  I have never been known as an easy person to be with.  I give to much of myself in anything I do and I feel others should do the same. Here is my mistake, one huge blunder in life.  Thinking others feel the same as I do.

All my friends, and I have few, but those I do have I have known for on average 30 years.  I think that alone say a lot.  But each and every one of my friends feel I live in the wrong century.  I belong in times where people’s word means something.  Not in times where you must have a lawyer draw up legal papers to purchase food…ok slight exaggeration there people,  but I hope you understand my thinking.

Since my car accident this past August things have moved ever faster for me.  Before the accident I had managed to learn to live a decent life.  I biked, I hiked, I swam almost daily. I was under Doctor’s orders to just enjoy the rest of my life as it will not be easy and certainly full of pain. My son and I enjoyed each and every second we spent together.

Since August my life has changed dramatically.  Certainly for the worse.  At this point I am no longer certain I will ever fully recover.  My head is always foggy now.  The only good part to this is, now people can finally understand me.  I guess my brain needed to be slowed down for this to happen.

I have nearly no memories of my past.  Again the silver lining to this is, everything that has been done to me will shortly be forgotten.  Hence why I am writing like a madman to get down what I still remember.  The other silver lining is, I will soon be able to forget the women in my life that have so badly hurt me.

This is no rant against women, as I certainly love them.  I love everything about women except their thinking.  Totally alien to me.  A good example on this is.  When a person is told to not stress out your partner as they are unable to process, why would you fight daily?  Why when you have been directed to not argue, why would you chase somebody around yelling and screaming at them.  It makes no sense.

Yet this is very close to what has happened to me.  I am desperate to get back to the man I was before my accident.  I spent 3-4 hours each and every day doing my physiotherapy to get better.  I put in the time, the effort.  I was making headway with my pain. Then we discovered my brain injury.  Hidden from the world by the the amount of pain I was in.  Only discovered when I started throwing up, after my pain levels lessened.  I am no longer allowed to even stretch.

Seems when you have a concussion like I do, the brain must be dealt with first.  So I have to shut myself down basically. Do nothing.  Sit around.  Rest.  Oh my God this is torture people, this is not me.

Now I have intense pain again.  How do you rest your mind when it fights pain 24/7?

How do you manage to live and deal with life’s issues alone? No help?

It seems I am about to find out.

To be honest, I am terrified.  I have been in some extremely hairy situations in my life, too many to be honest.  I have always had the ability to deal with anything I face with ease, and more often than not, a great sense of humour.

Now I am finding the only things that make me really enjoy myself is my son and his antics.  I have spent almost every minute in his short life teaching him.  Languages, math, reading, athletics, morals, and much more.  It has not been easy, but watching my son grow so fast into such an amazing young man has been worth all my efforts.

I  have let him fail. It was needed. He does get into trouble, it IS needed.  I never force my views onto my son.  We talk, he either agrees or he doesn’t.  again, unless his health and safety are of concern, I allow him to make all his choices himself.

For the next likely long while, I will not have my son with me during the week.  I will see him, but he will not stay with me.  I can’t get him to school, and he wants to go very much.  So I have made arrangements with my ex wife to bring him to me and take him home to sleep instead of staying here.  Weekends will not change, he will stay here.  This of course makes me sad, hurt, lonely.  But he made the choice himself, and for that I can’t argue, as he feels it is just too much for me right now to worry about.  ” let mommy help daddy, you need it ”  The wonderful mind of a 6 year old. My 6 year old.

Do not forget to stop and smell the roses people.  You may find that life has moved on without you and you may have missed very important things in it.  My son and I can’t make it past a flower without one of us saying smell this.  And you know what?  I am finding this to be ok with me now.

The world moves at lightspeed, if you refuse to take part in it, you will miss the greatest of all wonders.  You in it, and your children’s life growing up in it.

Don’t forget to smell the roses people, you may miss it when you are no longer able to get to those flowers to smell them.

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