My Sweetest Friend

I heard “Hurt” from Nine Inch Nails again today, the Johnny Cash version though and was thinking to myself this is in so many weird ways my life. Not maybe the whole song, but most certainly many verses.

The funny thing is maybe not in the way Trent Reznor maybe meant. For me now, pain is about the most real thing I live with now.  Right now there is nothing the doctors can do for me. I WILL Live the rest of of life in such pain Dante himself would blush. So maybe I CAN chalk something up for a big win.

I hope that posting a couple lines here won’t get me in trouble, but I will take my chances, I am flat broke after all, 🙂

What Have I become?

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the End

Now this could mean a lot of things to many people, to me this is a little more permanent. I am finding that now with my Traumatic Brain Injury and the exotic pain I get from it and my other vast array of injuries life is for the most part just easier and safer to forget.

I had my best friend stop by for a fast visit tonight, it was nice to be honest.  We have known each other for I think now 42 years.  I am 47.  He is worried about where I am with the breakup with my girlfriend last week.  I told him that honestly I am fine.  And if this is read by Sunshine I did warn you this likely would happen.  But in a week I can’t picture her, hear her voice at all.

Now this is the other part, the pang, the knowledge of the loss of the person.  We did so much together in the past year and a half it was really great times.  I started to live again in so many ways after my time in the hospital on deaths door.  Again thank you for all of that.

Now don’t go thinking I am going to get all sappy or some crap with you, that is not me.

I will get to my point soon enough,

I was out with my son today, we had a fantastic time together as usual.  It was a nice day, a couple degrees and a bit wet.  We played mental math together in both french and english. I have started him on basic spanish as well and told him italian will be in the future.  We did this while playing hide and seek in the Hancock Park…well soon to be open anyways, maybe in a year, lol, my son and I go in now and love the place.  But we were there, all bets are off on my health when I have him now.  I have learned a lot in my therapy now to enjoy myself more.

We had to leave early in fact due to my head started to hurt bad.  I broke many of the rules put in place for my care.  But I have made a Covenant and am at peace with bits and pieces of me being taken. So when my son is with me we just have as much fun together while I teach him everything.

Now when we get back I have to make lunch and start to prepare dinner.  Easy enough, grilled cheese for lunch, it was mid afternoon and all.  And I cut up some chicken to marinade for dinner. I figure at six and a half, Aidan my son that is should now start to learn to cook. So I get him to spice the marinade himself, a basic soy sauce marinade, he ended up using black pepper and turmeric, it was for me perfect.  I loved it. For him a little spicy but I gave him some yogurt to soothe it. But I had allowed him to pour whatever amount he wanted himself free hand.

I am starting to wonder if there is nothing this lad of mine can’t do well.  Just like me when young, but now with me guiding him.

I find that while writing this down, my head has about split open.  I have what I like to think of now as my personal lighting storm in my head.  Strikes all over, one after another just ripping into my mind.  But I know I have to finish what I am doing now, or it WILL be lost forever.

I find it is now too much to pull up memories.  The pain of writing about my son today was done at a huge cost.  I feel like throwing up.  But if I don’t do this, I may not remember this in a few days time.  I may not remember my son preparing a dinner marinade that was utterly fantastic at six and a half. I can’t wait until he is big enough to stand over the stove top and cook for me.

Everyone I know

Goes away in the End

The people in my past, it is easier to let them all just go then suffer the pain of trying to remember them, the things we did, the laughs, the cries. everything. I can only really safely now live in the present.  Have hope for the future, but I can’t even make plans.

And to think, so much of this could have been avoided if the Government Agency in charge of my health had done their jobs.  Now another Government Agency is trying to make me go away.

What Have I become?

A fantastic loving father that will stop at nothing to teach my son everything possible about life before it is too late to do anything more.  I fear nothing now except for my son. I am completely at peace with everything that happens to me.  Yet I feel a little sad for those that will cross my path in the future, and they will learn also that that I will also in the end, in some way, let you down, and I will make you hurt.

 

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