Talking about putting the carrot in front of the mule. I bought a car today put insurance on it, I hope to pick it up tomorrow. I have not had to drive since the accident almost four months ago.
I find it strange I am actually scared to drive. I know I can drive a car very well, I have spent a lot of time learning to rally drive. This was supposed to be my first year racing competitively. All my friends in the race game know how good I am, they have all been in car with me.
This is what bothers me. I am far too good of a driver to have had the accident I had. So what went wrong? Where did I make a mistake and fail? The cost was minimal really, steep for me personally. How do I know I won’t make the same mistake?
I could hurt my son. That won’t do. That is why I put up with my suffering, for him.
If all goes well and I can have the car looked over by my guys and do anything we feel it should have done to it to make it safer. It would be fantastic to be able to get my son from school before Christmas. I think he will love that very much.
I got a nice 2003 Subaru Forester, more of what I have wanted then the 2000 RS I got into the accident with. This has more of a SUV feel to it, we will sit higher up, and Aidan will finally have his own door and window. That is one thing I hated about my old car, it was a two door with a kid. Combine that with a car seat and trying to strap a child up while disabled….yeah, not fun.
I will be able to have a little fun with it when I want, the car will handle basically the same as my old one, I will need some seat time to figure it out. I have always been told I have a great bum for how a car feels. This has always helped me to drive better when my skills were not as good as others.
Having a car again will open up so much for me to do over the winter. I don’t know about you, but I hate being inside. Maybe that is for me, I feel trapped in my body. My body let me down and I can’t do the things I want the way I want without such pain most things are not worth it anymore.
But having the ability to get to the outdoors, to places I know and love that are not far away. Places I can walk a short distance and be in a forest with running water even with snow on the ground it is not the concrete jungle. I will have the ability to go further north and access some back roads, less fun this time around, my co driver is gone now. She made those trips so much more fun, I will miss hearing her shrieks of joy as we tore through the back roads on the snow and ice, many times sideways.
I think my race days are over, this season for sure. The engine is in another car now, being run as it was meant to be. My mind can’t take the speeds, the calculations needed to run a car like that on a closed track, over jumps, through openings in the trees, rocks and snowbanks. I don’t think my brain is able to handle the jarring again, the therapists were talking to me today about this, they think time, but…
Now I just want my little crossover and take my son to school, go shopping for foods. More important, be ABLE to do, to go, if I choose, when I choose.
I am supposed to stop writing now, the headaches are starting, 650 words. Not bad I guess. I hit one minute on the exercise bike today, then my symptoms kicked in, but that was blank mind riding, no trees, no rocks, no danger at all, no fun for me.
I will tell you folks how the new wheels go for me, when I test drove it today it felt ok, but no son, no traffic, no pressure.
I hope this is just a needless worry that once I am driving again all my anxiety will go away. This is all so new for me, I really don’t know. But I am happy to write all this down so one day I can remember how hard it was for me, these little things so many of us take for granted.
Some will say my attitude and thinking will leave me alone and lonely with nobody in my old age to care for me. That may be so, but without it, I would be stuck inside my four walls, never taking the chance to go out and live a life most wish they could, but never found the time or courage to try. I do it while disabled because I want to live until my end, live on my terms, because too many people are lemmings.