25 to Life

img_20161017_152050164Here in Canada the term 25 to life means a person convicted of a terrible crime was going to prison a long time.  Of course they would be out in 6 months due to  overcrowding and good behaviour, but hey, this is Canada after all. We will rehabilitate you, unless you are disabled.

Most people would never consider what this term will mean to many, myself included.  For myself, I am coming up on the 25 years of pain.  What started out so long ago today I would consider a joke.  A slight pain, now I know better the slippery slope.  Now I know the need for having things like this taken care of early and properly.

But, and there is that but again, life does not leave you so easily does it?  Nope, in the last 25 years I have suffered more and more injuries, many much more violent than the last.  Some my fault, most were not, I lived life on the edge, but did it safely.  Go read my earlier posts I am not recapping here today if you want to know more 🙂

Now I have the no chance of parole to look forward to, I have almost done my 25.  Right now in the current medical world, at least that I can have paid for, no chance to fix me, nor even do they know how.  How long can you live getting a couple hours of sleep a day?  Your body must rest, it can’t run all out dealing with pain and go on.  My memory is failing, I knew this already, but now at an accelerated pace I am terrified to take on much, as I can’t keep everything straight anymore.

Oh I know I am not a perfect person, many would likely say a total jackass even.  But I am true on many things, I never do anything to hurt people on purpose, I never try to harm people.  I know when I think I am right though, I have no back up, The “HOLDFAST” my clan’s motto does mean something to me and my family. If I give my word, I keep it. I have never been in trouble with the law until this last accident and Traumatic Brain Injury changed  who I am.

I know I am the same loving father to my son, the same solid friend to my friends I have known all my life, but my thinking has changed in many ways I am struggling with.  My ability to just shut my mouth at times is broken.  Maybe not broken, but my ability to take on any more garbage from others is finished, I no longer take the insults, the discrimination, I no longer let people push me.  The line in the sand has been drawn, and there is no further retreat left to me.

How could this happen?  How could a person go through so much pain, so much suffering, how could a person fall through the gaps to this state?

Here is where I will let you folks tell me if you want to know more.  I will change direction at this point, just because I want to, and to actually see if anybody actually wants to know more, kind of a test of the point of this.

I try not to be bitter, that for the most part is just a waste of my energy.  I can be positive instead and use my endorphins to take a lot of my pain away during the days.  This in a concept I understand fully.  When you know you are eventually going to die from something, no matter what you do about it, you might as well enjoy the rest of your life having fun to get free pain medication.  Not just free of the monetary cost, it is free of the cost of side effects.  Go and try it, the more you have fun, the less you will feel your pain.

Yes, yes yes, I get it, you WILL hurt after, so what?  If you did nothing would you still not hurt?  I do.  I rather have fun doing something, anything, to pass the time enjoying myself over sitting around just hurting.  The more fun I have, the more pleasure I get from my efforts the better the pain relief I get.  Then later on in the day when I am home alone and crying from the pain, I can at least comfort myself knowing I had a fantastic day and did something to earn this pain.

I have almost 25 years of living with pain already.  The intensity of the pain has grown a great deal over the last several years.  I am now 47 years old and wondering what kind of pain I will be in in another 25 years when I am 72 years old.  Likely not alive would be my guess, I am praying for making it to see my son turn a man at 18.  That is 12 more years of this.

A lot can happen in 12 more years, I know I won’t slow myself down.  As soon as I get the go ahead I will be back on the mountain bike, riding through the cliff trails in my creek system.  If I can handle it, my race engine will go back into the race car and I will try running winter events.  If not, my friends have promised me to build a junk car to make a fun run with, something for just a laugh, no competition and leave it up north afterwards.  That may be the route I take, as I can’t seem to shake this fog in my head, and that is a danger.

So now I know I am a full lifer.  No chance of parole from my suffering ever.  I have a couple choices really.  Curl up in a ball and cry like a baby and do nothing the rest of my life and suffer the pain and suffer the loss of enjoyments.  And folks, if you allow it, there are a lot of enjoyments in life for us to make us happy, just try them.  Or I can go forth and take life by the bulls horns where the clan motto ” HOLDFAST” comes from, and battle with life on my terms.  I will suffer a lot of pain..the good pain though.  The I did something great today pain.  I really had fun, so lying here tonight crying over the pain is worth it, I lived again.

That is me, I will do anything and everything for fun, pleasure, enjoyment, on my terms, in my way, I will suffer the consequences, they will be worth it.  I live again.

 

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