I Am Sorry

Chalk this up in the your kidding books here people, I am saying I am sorry.  And I do mean it, maybe more than I realize even at this point in time.

I used the map my fitness program today, the first time I have gone walking alone in my creek since the fight.  I only realized that my ex girlfriend was on the same trail just ahead of me at the end of my hike. I watched her maps come online just as I finished.

Now I want to say I am sorry to a few people in fact.  I will start with my women though, as I usually have more issues with women than I ever do with guys.

First off I am sorry Christine.

I am sorry I put too much pressure on you to become more like me and my thinking.  I realize now you were just not capable of this.  I should have totally taken your advice and just loved you.  That would have been smarter for me and us.  I really thought that I could show you a better way, little did I understand that my way takes a lifetime of working at to become what I am today, and what I am teaching Aidan to be.

You and Nick are just not able to do this.  So for this I am truly sorry, I messed up a lot and feel terrible now.  My methods were spot on correct, the outcome can’t be denied, but it broke you both I think.  I could not apply my methods to a child that for 8 years was never held accountable for any of his actions. Never had to do anything but love his mom. You had a husband that treated you like garbage, I thought if I treated you like gold you would understand life a bit better.  I think I just confused you.

I will be trying to walk in the creek and stopping by the camp daily between 12-1pm.  If I happen to see you there, well the Karmites are involved.  Yes you other readers, that is our word, only 1 should understand that fully, and if you don’t understand it, that means it was not for you.  I plan also on doing the Sismet run once my body will allow it, but our normal walk first to gain the strength.

I am sorry to my ex wife Geralyn.

Well, I am not sure yet why I am sorry, but I know I must have done something bad to you for the things you did to me.  I can see you stepping up now trying to help Aidan and myself deal with this issue now and I am thankful you have decided to stop being so mean.  Again with you, I tried too hard to be everything..  I did too much as I usually do.  But I was always there, no matter what.  I can forgive you your trespass against me, but your new man will never be forgiven for what he did to me, a friend of 27 years.  Maybe that is what I need to become sorry for, my refusal to forgive the friend that cheated with my wife and stole my business from me.  But I will take my chances I should not be sorry for that.

I am sorry to my friends, you guys have known me all my life.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  We have all helped one another, shared the load of life.  Of late, the last several years you guys have really stepped up to help me out.  I doubt I would actually be alive if it were not for you 3 friends of mine.  Taking up the burden of dealing with my crap when my complete family walked away from me.

So for that I am sorry, you guys have your own lives, and one day, if I can make my money situation better, you will all be paid back in spades.  You all know this, as this is how we have always worked for over 40 years now.  So have heart, I will prevail and the money will flow again.

I am sorry to my son Aidan.  All he wanted was to have a family life.  Don’t get me wrong, he loves spending all kinds of time with me, but he needs children his own age to play with.  With me as his father this won’t happen.  I scare the moms, and the other fathers want nothing to do with me as I am nothing like them.  I make almost every other parent out there look foolish, and I do it as a disabled person.  But that is me, and if I tried to change I would end up hurting others in new ways.  No it is better I live the way I am, always trying, I only have 12 more years until Aidan is a man, then i become a consultant only.

I guess I am sorry to myself.  When I started out from high school you could easily get a good job without a degree.  You could work you way up a company ladder to become the boss.  Somewhere along the way, this changed.  Even though I have owned my own company, made upwards of 750k a year, run companies as well for others, the problem is, without that little piece of paper that says I am smart from a University, many people think you are stupid.  Uneducated, a fool not worthy of their help.

I spent many years wondering why this is.  Now I can’t be bothered.  I am teaching Aidan that in this day and age, you must know everything. He has taken to the challenge, I never push him to learn, I only push him to try his best.  He does.

I am glad I won’t have to say I am sorry to him, sorry I did not spend the time and effort on you.  I did.  I may be sorry only for the fact I could not do more for him, provide the family and friends he needs.  Time will tell if this will hurt him or not, I hope it doesn’t, as that is a burden I do not wish for.

Ok, enough with the sorry talk now.  Time to get going, take my car into the body shop and get that going.  I am sure I will have plenty more to be sorry about over the next few years, I can write more then, now I have hit my 1k words.

So, Sorry I made you read more than usual 🙂

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