I am up today at 4am. I can’t sleep. I forgot to silence my phone last night, and I got a lot of messages overnight from friends. In fact I just finished a never ending mail to a buddy of mine down in the USA. We have been talking for several years now. It is nice to have friends like this, we have never met in person, but talk a lot about our lives and bounce a lot of ideas off each other. I won’t tell you their name, as one day they will be famous, and I won’t affect what they are doing.
I really woke up because of my health though. I spent too long in my creek yesterday, my body is throbbing in pain, but it was my headache that really forced me up. Yes I know I am an idiot for writing here with a pounding head. You will get used to me though, or stop reading, one or the other.
I am rather stressed out this morning, I had forgotten to send off a mail, actually I thought I could fax the mail into the courthouse but I found out on a Sunday night I had to mail it in. No time left to meet court deadlines, so I may find myself having to deal with something I am not prepared to deal with simply because of my faulty memory and lack of ability to fully comprehend what I am reading these days.
That is life though isn’t it?
I had a very nice weekend for a change. My new car is great, it sure is nice to be able to get to a store and shop again. It is fantastic to be able to drive to my creek and go for a long hike if I choose again…I look forward to living on it, that sure will be easier. I am finding that with the driving now, my headaches are far worse. No long trips for me, just short runs to take Aidan to school, and me to the stores or my creek. I can’t imagine trying to do a long trip at all right now, I am happy that I am no longer throwing up, so I won’t push things.
I am starting to get a bit sick. I woke up coughing last night as well, I wonder if this is part of the reason my headache is so bad. I have not been sick yet with this brain injury, so facing this for the first time. If every morning is going to be like today, this sucks. I don’t like it at all, and would like it to stop now, please.
I was down at the battle creek spot yesterday. Sitting in the middle of the creek on a rock just listening to the water gurgling around me. Christine and I used to sit there a lot together and eat our lunches. Then go stand in the water and let the fishies nibble at our toes. When it was good and warm this is where we would go for a swim as well. Sitting in the creek bottom with the fish all around tickling us. I put a camera underwater one day to get the video of them doing this, that turned out to be one of the best videos I have shot. If I upgrade my blog plan I will post that video for you.
Anyways, I was sitting there just thinking about life and how it can deal with people in it, for the good and bad. When I looked up and saw my darling walking towards the camp. I was so surprised I almost fell in the water. What a meeting it was. Two people not allowed to be together for now, crying and hugging. Both trying to say how sorry we were about what happened.
I have no doubt the Karmites those that dispense Karma of course had a hand in this. A couple days before we were both hiking the creek but an hour apart. This time we did it together. What a nice day it was. Far too long for me in the end, but worth every second of pain I now face.
The outcome of the meeting is this. We will not get back together the way things were those days are over now forever. Oh don’t cry, we did that. We also agreed that it is the best for us. We both try too hard to help the other all we did was spin our own wheels and get nothing done. So we think just knowing we can see each other when we need will be best. We have no desire to allow new people into our lives, that takes too much toll. Neither of us will allow another person into our children’s lives either, that burden on them was great. The hurt too much, it was not fair at all.
So now I am alone and not alone. Knowing I have the ability to see the one I love is fine, I do not have to see her daily, she reads my work here, she understands what I am going through fully, better than you folks do for sure.
I feel my life has gotten better in fact. I can face what I must now with a greater ability. I no longer fear being alone late in life. That is huge for me. I love my son, but he does not need his father living with him as an adult. That is not fair at all to anybody.
Maybe I can actually have a life later on, somewhere warm for my body. I love being a Canadian, I love the winters, and the weather that comes with it, but I find my body hates being a Canadian, and hates the weather that comes with it. I know if I wish to have any enjoyment when I am retired it will not be in Canada, that just won’t be possible. Then I will be torn apart, as I will be parting ways with Aidan, likely for good. But that is not for me to worry about now, I have 12 years at least until that worry comes true.
Enjoy today, Monday Monday. I know many of you hate it, I used to, now it is just another day in my life of recovery.