9 Am

I find myself today having a tough time getting motivated to do anything.  It is a dark and rainy January morning, it is 9Am and I have virtually nothing left to do today except exist.

My body got me up today as it usually does just after 6:30Am, enough of sleep or what passes off for sleep.  Mind you of late I have been sleeping better, maybe it is because my 6 year old son Aidan left me his stuffed monkey Lew to keep me company.  This is unheard of.  Aidan never leaves Lew like this, Lew has been to Mexico and Cuba with Aidan.  But Aidan wanted me to feel better about him going to mommies.  This has been an extremely tough Christmas season for me and Aidan didn’t want me to be alone.   That’s MY boy and I love him more than anything I thought possible.

So after I finish my morning ablutions I start up my coffee and get my computer going and tablet going, one to discover what I missed going on is the world while to tossed and turned all night, the other to collect, sell and produce products I had set in motion the night before.  I do love my gaming as well, but I am getting very picky now what I play.

So once I have everything turned on and coffee poured I sit down on my computer first today.  In game challenge is not running now so I can take a break from actually competing with other people in a game challenge to add some daily excitement, so the tablet can wait a bit today.

Catching up on world news is usually fairly fast for me, my inability to read much anymore due to the concussion symptoms and the brain injury, I cut back a lot on news that affects me little and makes me feel less happy. I only have so much my brain CAN consume until the headaches force me to go lie down or sit quietly with eyes closed trying to allow the pain to subside.  Not just go down, it has to go away.  That is key, once I start the process to calm the brain down I need to complete it and go forward from there.

I have 2 pages of brain therapy exercises I need to work on a couple times a day.  They are designed to make my symptoms come on.  I am trying to both make the symptoms start and work on making them stop, this is easy to begin, hard to finish.  One page is random numbers 1-16 the other is random letters A-Y, all I am to do is find the letter or number in order and see how far I can make it before the headaches begin.

So far I have never completed this exercise.  Not once.  I so far can’t make it through 16 numbers or letters on 2 tries.  Reading is one of the hardest things I can try doing.  one reason I have so many writing errors in my work, I hardly proof it as I find it too hard to do.  Unless I see a line under a mistake, off it goes.  So basically as you see my writing is how it comes out of my brain.  No changes, no proof reading, I just put my head down and type, look up for red lines and move on.  Once I have my 1000 word limit I look again for major mistakes and hit publish, as I typed it.  No fear left in me now, that has been stripped away with most of my dignity.

Well once I have the international news read over fast, I move to local and of course offbeat and weird news, that is mandatory.  Parenting news feeds I get from all over the world, this is one major reason now I am able to be such a fantastic parent to Aidan even through all this nightmare I am living with my health.  I have done maybe 75 parenting courses since May 25 2010, and I keep up with friends in that area still, but I now really use information from all over the world to confirm what I really already knew, my way of parenting is the hardest way to go and the best for a child in my humble opinion. I am making him work hard and held totally accountable for all his actions, what a concept, I am not my child’s friend, I am his parent first, a friend is only a bonus, when a lesson needs learning it comes fast no matter where we are. Sports is usually last, I still read little news from any sport I used to play, games now seems silly to me, except for playing with my son.

Once my news is all done I have my email open and read that is easy, no email.  So now onto my gaming, on my PC I play armoured warfare, I have been a tester for that since it basically came online.  I think the full release is still a time away, we are in open beta testing now after a year.  I love it for a game or 2, about all I can handle now.  My game rig is very good so the graphics are stunning.  I also play simcity build it on my tablet, I love the game, building the perfect city, my way of course.  This can take a little time of course, as with anything I actually do now, I do it very well, or why do it at all.

I have a full agreement with my therapists who agree that I need to do things and have a life, as long as I stop as soon as my symptoms come on.  That means if I am out on a walk I need to sit or lie down and relax until the symptoms go away.  I am not allowed to work through them as we were taught all through my sports years.  40+ years of the truth tossed away.  Now you must rest and do nothing, sit or lie down, rest your mind.

Have these people read my work ?  Do they not listen to what I am telling them?  No.

So at 9am on this ugly rainy winter morning I am finished basically for the day.  I have physiotherapy later but otherwise my day is now done.  I can now just be, exist for the sake of being alive.  Maybe I will work on learning to write better.

Have a great day, thank you for reading this far.




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