My Humiliation

It has been days since I have been able to sit at my computer and write.  I am filled with anxiety and dread.  I can’t sleep and I feel like throwing up all the time.  My son is noticing a huge difference in me even though I do everything I can to be normal and my usual fun self.  I have dropped 10 lbs since court.

I am filled with very mixed emotions right now.  Shame is certainly one of the feelings.  Shame at where I have found myself over the last couple months.  Jail.  On a peace bond, and in criminal court.  Humiliated for certain.

While trying to talk some sense at the courts, I was talking with my duty counsel.  The person trying to help me.  Prove your disability she says!!  Pardon me?  I need a doctor’s note saying what your disability is she says.  You have got to be kidding me I am thinking.  First off, this is the Christmas Holidays, not my problem sir.  I mean if I rolled in here in my wheelchair would I be asked to prove my disability?

I told her about my Traumatic Brain Injury as well.  I need a letter from your neurologist.  I likely won’t be able to see him for several months still, but I have all the clinic notes and treatments, all the information.  No Doctor’s note, you have no concussion, I don’t care about your clinics notes, they prove nothing. But this is a speciality clinic I was sent to from the hospital… what.

I told her about seeing a psychologist until a neuropsychiatrist can see me and they are the only people that can fix the messed up chemical imbalance caused by the Brain slamming into my skull and destroying everything.  The neurologist refused to give the medication, says my situation needs the neuro.  My family Doctor laughed and said no as well.  It could be several months before I can see anybody to even begin to help me in that way.   Well then, I need a note from them….well as you can see, i see them in about 2 weeks.  And then they are starting the assessment then, well, I guess that won’t help you.

Please stop interrupting me Mr. McLeod.  I said stop interrupting, I need to finish telling you what is going on and you will listen to me and not interrupt me  again.  I did as she said.  I even raised my hand to ask to leave.  I had not understood anything she had said to me at all.  My brain had not allowed that.  But I did not interrupt her again.  I just agreed to whatever she wanted me to say so I could get on with raising me son.

Standing in court and agreeing to the terms as agreed, I felt my world close around me.  I have never in my life done anything illegal, hurtful, am now entering a program as an abuser.  To get help with my abusive ways for the next 13 weeks of my life for 2 hours per week, group therapy, oh god no, group therapy.  I did this so I could get back into family court and get the judge to sign the papers so I can get my spousal support going and finally get my life going financially again.  I needed the best option to put 3 years of horror finally behind me.  I added on another year in this, but my son is my priority.

Now I am finally in the intake section having all my details taken in.  The young lady starts asking me to tell me about what happened in my own words.  So I did.  She asks me if I told my duty counsel this information?  I said I had and she did not care.  She asked if all the papers I had were the medical records I had been able to get showing what was going on?  And if so had I showed them to the duty counsel?  I said I tried to, but the duty counsel didn’t care about them and refused to look at them.

She looked me in the eyes and said this program is not for me.  She said you need to fight this, at best this could be self defense.  At worse two people in a scuffle.  Two wrongs.  Not one person taking all the blame.  She said I can’t take part in the program at this point.

I looked her in the eye and started to cry and told her I had to with no choice and told her about Aidan and my reasons for doing this.  At this point she told me what I had to say out loud and accepted me into the program.  She then called over her manager and explained about the situation, what happened and my health issues and about Aidan.  The manager asks me the same questions and says they will get me into a one on one program for me.  8 weeks at best and 1 hour a week instead. Further away from me, and in Toronto but that is acceptable for me I think.  The program is very flexible so can work for my needs.

I told my complicated about this, she is to be involved.  She was not happy that I chose this place as it is further away and not as easy.  Yet it cuts weeks and hours out of my life, better for me and better for Aidan and even her and her son.

Now my complicated.  I do love her and this is why this hurts me so much.  I have put my sons and my life on the back burner to help her and her son for the last year.  I had been noticing a large amount of anger or just distaste I am not sure towards my son for a while before the big battle.  And then with the immortal words ” Fuck Your Son” the battle began, started off silly and ended with two people upset and hurt a bit.  Two people no less damaged than the other.   One person arrested, one person listened to, one person taking 100% of all the blame and saying nothing about anything.

In private at least I had hoped she would have taken ownership of some of the issues, but she did not.  She had not changed a bit and only blamed me and my concussion.  She had not done anything to cause the problem at all.  I am truly torn here as I have a hard time with a lot of things without her, and she certainly made life fun for a while in multiple ways.  But how can you trust a person that accepts no blame ever, the last woman that did that to me left me in the hospital in Intensive Care for a few weeks, now I ended up in jail.

My humiliation has been great, and will be for a year as I have to keep my bail papers with me at all times, everywhere I go, no matter what.  I am not allowed to forget, if found out, I go straight to jail with new charges laid.  I forget everything.  I pulled poor Aidan home the other day from a play event in the local forest due to the fact I had not brought my papers and had a panic attack.  My life is pure hell no matter what for the next year, and it seems it is all 100% my fault as everything has always been in my life. Same as it ever was.



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