Ok, it seems things are not really going the way I had hoped and I think I need to come up with some new ideas on how to proceed forwards with my new life. My son whom I call my Sac A Dos, backpack in French, as he takes in all the information I give him to use later as needed, came up with a new new nickname for me. The Butterfly, but in French as he loves doing everything in that language now. So I am now Le Papillon.
He came up with this at 6 because of all the changes in me. Like a butterfly I have changed after each injury he has seen, I am not the same father I was at his birth. That daddy has been stripped away never to return, written about in earlier work the whys. This new injury after the August car accident has proven to be the most difficult to deal with. With a broken up brain and a chemical imbalance due to destroyed brain parts, my words not the doctors. I am not even close to the person I used to be.
The daddy that instead of admitting Aidan into the hospital at 10 months old the day his mother returned to work from a horrible stomach virus I can’t remember the name of now, but bad. I had to force liquid into him every half hour for 3 days instead of allowing the hospital to keep him. I chose that. My bond with Aidan is solid.
I have been there for him each and every step of the way usually alone, taking care of him, the house and everything else a stay at home parent takes care of. I did it extremely well. Too easy in fact for many, but Karma has a way of paying back early achievements.
My memory has been basically stripped from me. I write now desperately in hope of remembering my past life. Who I was, what I did, how I did it so easily. I see the pictures, I watch the videos, I hear from everybody about how I did things back then.
The caterpillar does not return, it is gone. It has turned into a butterfly. Flittering around almost aimless. For me I seem to almost daily become a new butterfly. I change so much, I am forced to remember almost everything daily.
Life is hard as a butterfly. Even when I have my son I feel the best parts of me have been left behind, the caterpillar has those parts. I try so hard to be the person I was. I forced things. The play, the endurance games, the lessons in several languages. Don’t get me wrong, Aidan loves the challenges I toss his way. He almost always does what I ask inside a couple weeks, it is rather astonishing really. I told him he is going to learn spanish counting over the holidays and he was to tell his teacher as she is also Spanish. He did it without my help, rattling off the numbers in the car on the ways to school today, all proud of his work.
I am left now to find a new way to survive. I am waiting on my insurance company to allow somebody to come to my home finally and help me get things organised so I can remember things easier. The stress of no memory is killing me, try doing things over and over because you can’t remember if you did it the first time. Is my bill due? OMG do I have an appointment I missed? Where is my bail papers? I must have them on me at all times, or go to jail.
Anxiety is a huge part of this new butterfly. Dread even. I am safer inside my 4 walls. Nobody can hurt me here. I will go out for only needed things, make a list and try to remember to bring the list when I shop. I rather not have to worry about whether I have all my needed paperwork, and documents I may need to prove I am allowed out. I will just stay in. It is only a year, I can try to recover and learn who I am again.
I must work on getting healthy again if possible. Or learn a new system that will actually allow me to have a life again without the stress of my faulty memory. I no longer fully trust those that I thought I could. I can’t expect my son to remember my life for me, I am the parent after all.
No the job is mine and mine alone really. I can ask others for help, smart people do and then use what is given to help them, not just say ok ok and do their own thing. No I need to start making some solid to do lists and start striking things off, get moving forwards again. I have been in neutral for too long now.
Once I am done here I will begin this task. Start out by making a master to do list of at least the things I can remember right now I must get done at some point. Maybe get others to help with other things and maybe time frames. Maybe this will help with the stomach issues that have cost me 10 lbs in the last couple weeks.
I am Le Papillon, if I make a mistake this time around I will reinvent myself again until I get it right. I will try not to stress about my mistakes, I will try to learn and better myself. I will enjoy myself along the way as much as possible. I will do the one thing I know I do very well in life. Raise my son Aidan the very best way I can and enjoy those people that come into my life for however long they stay in it.