Changing Tides

At 47 years of age I am actually starting to wonder if I really want anybody in my life to share the drudgery of life with.  I have now allowed 3 women to share my life with me.  All 3 have let me down and hurt me in the most brutal fashion.  The last one still thinking she has done nothing wrong at all.

I have little to say about the first woman who hurt me so bad, and I have not seen her in at least 20 years and the pain of that still haunts me.  I will take that pain to my grave.

The second woman that I loved with all my heart is the mother to my son.  I have written a little about her and what she had done to me to cause so much damage to my soul.  She gets some sort of special consideration though now.  Even though she did what she did to a disabled husband and father to her son, she stepped up after almost 3 years of legal battles and finally agreed to give me spousal support until Aidan is 18.  I can now concentrate only on raising Aidan, nothing more, and now, after all I have been through that is all I want.  To see my boy grow into a fine young man.

The third woman I have loved so dearly put me into jail.  Now I agree some of this certainly is my fault, but not all.  I feel that if you know that an animal is injured and dangerous and you poke and prod that animal for a period of time you can’t claim that it is all the animals fault if you get hurt by it.  Here in lies my problem and disgust with the third woman I have loved so much.

She flip flops between saying one version of the events of battle creek and another version of events of  battle creek.  Both versions blame me mainly, but one version is far more accurate than the other and when this reality is denied both publicly and in private it causes me to not trust her period.  Without the trust there is nothing.

At this point without trust I can’t make love to her again.  That is just potential evidence.  She is prone to bleeding after a lengthy play session, umm hello that is a potential rape right there if I don’t toe the line.  How am I able to be me if I know I have to watch everything I say, watch everything I do.  All because I said nothing and allowed the system to run its course.

I am back taking lorazepam just to deal with the anxiety I face because my son was more important to me and dealing with this situation taking the blame and taking this course so I can finish up my family court was the fastest way to make that happen.  Now it has been dealt with I am starting to feel I need to fight for myself.  I am just making myself sick shouldering the blame here.  This in turn is having an effect on my son.

She says you can trust me, you should know me by now.  Really?  Even in private you blame me and take no responsibility for what happened.  She keeps telling me change takes time and she can’t just do things right away.   For over a year I tried to help her and her son.  I did everything possible and put my son and myself on the backburner to help them out.  Yet all I got was I can’t do that, I need time, just love me.  I watched as everything I was saying was ignored.  The son understood and made the changes, he has grown fantastically and thank goodness for what happened that I refuse to write about.

Funny how when the police told her to do something she was able to do it right away though or anybody else for that matter.  It is funny how after the fact everything I had said has come true, everything.  Yet do I even get any praise for my foresight?  Nope, I get the opposite, look what I did, see what changes I made to make our lives better.  I get my ideas stolen and taken for their own ideas.

Now I have to endure counselling for the next 8 weeks to make me a better partner.  Somebody that understands their partner better and makes them more of an equal.  Also I get to have my parenting picked apart, maybe the CAS brought in as my new counselor can’t possibly see how my son is enjoying being brought up by me.  My 30 minutes of talking enough to convince her that I am some sort of monster to make a child have responsibility, and learn things.  Me. I was told that my son is not special at all, and all parents think theirs are.  All in 30 minutes.  I said Fuck you.

Do I want anybody in my life anymore?  Is it worth it?  I can find people for sex, that is not difficult at all.  Making love takes trust and that I am out of.

I have a hard enough life to live without trying to help others when they actually ask for my help and then refuse to make any of the changes I mention, a constant fight really.  Funny though when parenting courses are taken the information I  gave months ago is confirmed and only then acted on.  Why am I wasting my time?  I have taken about 75 parenting courses, I get world feeds on parenting daily. I am up on all the latest studies from around the world on children and their development.  But I still know nothing, even when you can see the proof in my son.

I don’t ever feel like an equal in a partnership, just the person to waste time with when bored.  I am not happy, my body is screaming at me at how unhappy it is.  I think it is time to make some major changes in my life again.  I am giving fair warning to all those that are a part of my life you may not like what will happen but it is only for my interests and my son, you have all had your chances, I am out of patience.

 

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