It is amazing really at one point in my life I was the guy. Busy everyday and every night. The guy everybody wanted to play sports with, party with, spend time with, be married with. Now a series of injuries has left me alone, broken and a shell of the man I was.
Now I only have my son that looks forward to spending time with me, and even he now is having some problems because of my brain injury. I try, especially with him, the love of my life.
I refuse to give up on myself and my son. On others that is another story altogether.
I no longer see the possibility of finding somebody that fills what I have long been looking for in a partner. I certainly find some good people with some good points, but never the one, the one that has it all. And now with everything that is going on in my life I am not sure I wish to invest the time to ever try further. So I will double down on my son and myself.
I rather trust only myself than trust people that have such different values than I do it is impossible to think it feasible to work together. No offense women but it is not funny to be made to feel bad that we don’t think like you. Men’s thoughts and ideas on how things should be done are important.
It is not ok to tell a man you don’t know what it is like to be a mother. What does that even mean? Anything you choose in fact.
I no longer care to try to find out, it is easier to be alone. I am not looking for a person that only does what they want to try and make me happy. I am looking for a person to do as I have asked, the things I need to help me. For that I must only count on myself.
I have just finished a phone call with the last of the women I have loved, likely the last woman I will ever love in fact. Now women will be enjoyed and nothing more, no future, no expectations, no care.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a complete asshole, I in fact still love the person I no longer want to be with, it is just my broken brain won’t allow it. My heart is torn apart, tears pour down my face as I type, but my mind is callous to the fact. My mind tells me I am better off alone, not counting on anybody but myself. The world has certainly taught me this lesson. I wrote about my feelings when a woman says she loves me, the beginning of the end.
In fact the young lady and I hope to remain friends, helping each other along the way, just no more play time together, no more intimacy again. To have true intimacy you need trust, full and complete trust, if either side loses that trust, the relationship is doomed.
Now I can see if anything I was trying to pass along has been heard, if not I at least I will no longer need worry myself about the consequences, they will no longer affect me and my son. Friends are friends only, they will say that is nice and go on about their own business. Few will go any further as we are all busy with our own lives.
Each of my women I have spent much of myself helping them. Pieces of me left behind, slowly leaving me with little to show for all the years. My mind remembers little of any of them, mostly the hurt, some of the good times. But mostly the hurt. For some reason that is what my mind likes to focus on, the hurt these women have caused me. My dreams of having a future, somebody to share a warm winter evening with when elderly, all gone. I no longer even think I will see 65 to be honest anymore, the struggle of living like I do alone is unbearable.
No my thoughts are only on this day. What am I doing right now, typing. I will continue to type until I stop. Depending on how I feel I will decide what I will do next. I will do this all day until I sleep tonight. Move from sitting here and doing this to standing there and doing that to pass the time. Finding anything to amuse myself during the time I do not have my son.
I no longer have anybody to call up and say hey let’s go hiking or for a bike ride. My days of rally driving up north are over, my co driver and I are finished together. Being with her doing things like that was most of the fun for me. My life is so crap I took such joy out of making others happy. Now much of that is gone, I am very good at few things, sadly without a woman I fully trust in my life, most of what I am great at is now lost.
That is ok I guess. Who really needs anybody to love them but their child? Yes Sarcasm people, I know. I am hurt after all in many ways, and truly alone now.
I think it is time for some medication to calm myself down, the pains in my chest are alarming for sure. I think it time to make a will and make sure my son is covered in case I like my father die early of a heart attack, alone and scared. I may not have much to give him or anybody else, It was supposed to be my vast knowledge of life, but people rather not listen and learn. I will write my life here now and if anybody cares, it will be here to read.
I know I refuse to give up on myself, I have been on death’s door several times in my past, I am the human cockroach after all, it takes a lot to kill me, little now to hurt me though, and why it is so much safer to live life all alone now.