Sometimes the most vile and hurtful things you need to do are done best while holding your breath and getting it over with as fast as possible. You know it is both the right thing to do and very much the wrong thing to do at the same time.
Breaking up with the person you love.
As some of you know that read my posts, I am messed up big time. My body ruined, I live in a screaming pain that never relents, no cure and no possible medication to help me. It seems that my body rejects the only things that can actually help me, not my idea of the lottery win we all dream of. But the one I won as my runner up prize in life. My mind is broken now as I suffer from Post Concussion Syndrome and I guess a Traumatic Brain Injury, I need to figure out the exact difference, maybe I have both. I am also going to have to look at very serious now if in fact I may also suffer from CTE.
What is CTE?
Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) is a progressive degenerative disease of the brain found in athletes (and others) with a history of repetitive brain trauma, including symptomatic concussions as well as asymptomatic subconcussive hits to the head. CTE has been known to affect boxers since the 1920s. However, recent reports have been published of neuropathologically confirmed CTE in retired professional football players and other athletes who have a history of repetitive brain trauma. This trauma triggers progressive degeneration of the brain tissue, including the build-up of an abnormal protein called tau. These changes in the brain can begin months, years, or even decades after the last brain trauma or end of active athletic involvement. The brain degeneration is associated with memory loss, confusion, impaired judgment, impulse control problems, aggression, depression, and, eventually, progressive dementia.
Now what i really need to explore is if I have a couple of these diseases to deal with, one a long term creeper the CTE, many of my concussions did happen decades ago and I was in fact losing memory and having many of the issues listed. Now with the Traumatic Brain Injury shaking things up again, and the Post Concussion Syndrome that is clearly present I am a walking poster boy for doom.
Now I was talking about getting things over with fast. I certainly did that today with my Sunshine, a woman I love dearly, so dearly I can’t be around her anymore. I have decided to break up with her fast today in fact over dealing with the long sickness and eventual hatred of the sick person me. I rather not face that. I have seen this in fact with a friend’s family when the dad was dying of cancer, in the end they only wanted him dead, the love long gone.
No I rather have this over with now then face a long steady decline towards hatred and disgust. Not my idea of a loving person if you get that far.
I have spent the morning now trying to find something good about this, so far I have failed. My place is a little cleaner, but I will miss the hands of my sunshine giving me a backrub in the future. It is almost 1pm and the thought of food make me ill, so I am not ready for food yet. I am certainly not going out, so whatever I have here is going to do.
Monday we are getting together to start exchanging things left at each others homes. We can take some time with this, we do not hate each other, but we have been unable to learn to live together with our faults. I no longer have the energy to try and show a better path, I just have enough for me and my son. I can be a friend but no longer a lover.
Soon this blog will return to its true purpose and get back to showing you all how a disabled single father all alone in this world copes with a brain injury while raising his son the best way possible. I hope to run this blog for the next 12 years until Aidan is 18. Sharing his life and my struggles to survive. I have lots of pictures of Aidan’s exploits and look forward to sharing them, you will be amazed.
Then I will truly have a choice to make on my future and purpose if any. But that day is long away right now, maybe medical science will make huge leaps and find something to help me. Maybe space aliens will probe me, oh boy, and then fix me 🙂 Just joking.
Father and son can now work towards a couple projects we have been talking about. First I need to get some money together to purchase the gear we will need. Everything was destroyed in the car accident and I need a gopro camera set up and those are not cheap. That project will be run out of youtube as most of it will involve videos of him, my rally racing days, our extreme biking and water play. My Sunshine that usually filmed for me is no longer helping me, so I need to do it all alone now.
I have a long list of things I need to work on, my bucket list really. I feel I am in the last few years of my life and I am most anxious to do things. This I tried to get the women in my life to understand, but alas to no avail. So I will do what I can with Aidan and the rest alone and hope I make it out ok. I manage to get into some really crazy shit for sure. But that is living for me, and without it I may as well be dead, as I am not living.
Well, I ripped the Band-Aid on our relationship this morning, I cried for hours, and now I am a little more relaxed and more at ease. The long term loneliness can begin now.