You know it is funny, people that are learning about my life for the first time always ask me, how do you have such a sense of humour? How in the face of everything you are dealing with can you make jokes and play so hard with your son?
Why not I say. You have the choice to either roll over and take the crap or you can do something about it.
I almost always choose to do something about it.
I love to laugh, I love to make those around me laugh. It is really music to my ears and truly relaxes my body. So good for my soul. Making my son laugh is the most important thing I do in my life. I am not easy to live with in any way, read my earlier pieces to understand, there are 50+ posts now. I am just getting warmed up.
I love playing with my son, not just for his enjoyment as we play hard, everything we do is hard, we both love it. I also love it because it allows me to try and do things, and it is tough to be beaten out by a 6 year old, I have to work hard to make sure that does not happen. In fact there are many things my son Aidan can do that I am no longer able to do, soon I will post some of those pictures of our time at Ninjaz, he was doing feats that no other child even attempted.
I love to try and have as much fun as I possibly can, I do very few things anymore, as I am just not able too at this point in my life. But what I do attempt, I do at the highest levels that I used to do everything with the greatest of ease before my injuries mounted, leaving me the way I am now, the husk of a once mighty body eaten up inside, still looking good on the outside to fool everybody.
But why worry?
I know in time I won’t be able to walk. I would be forced into at best an electric wheelchair as I could not push myself. I know in time I won’t remember who anybody is around me either. That scares me a little, but again why worry. To be honest, I won’t remember to be outraged, to be upset at those that let me fall into this state all alone and scared.
I spent 10 years as a volunteer at a retirement home years ago, I have seen how I expect to live, except I will have no money like these people did. I have seen the poor person’s retirement villa, it is best to have no memories there. That is the direction I am heading now, as I slowly sink into my injuries.
Years ago the Dr’s told me I won’t be able to walk when I was 50. I was in my 20’s then and laughed and said ok. I am nearly 48 now and see their foresight was rather accurate, I am finding it harder and harder to walk anywhere but I refuse to stop. This last accident has I think really sped up their predictions, but again, I refuse to accept this.
But I know in the end they will be right, I just want to prove them wrong for as long as possible, cause that is what I do. The degeneration is slow but unstoppable. It seems with this brain injury and the severity of it, my mind may just be speeding things along by accident. The unwitting catalyst to my own destruction.
Might as well enjoy the ride for as long as it goes on eh!!
So I write like a madman some accuse me of being now. I play like I am a 6 year old child when I have my son with me. And well, I act like a porn star when I am lucky enough to have some company. I in fact do everything I love at a breakneck speed to enjoy while I still can.
I am actually into bucket list time, starting to really have a go at things I have wanted to get done all my life, just in case things really go south fast with my health. I missed the Polar Bear Swim this year, I felt not well enough to take part. Figured i better have a properly working mind if I am going to jump into a frozen lake on New Years Day, you know, just in case something could go wrong in that.
I won’t worry about that either. In fact I won’t worry about most things anymore. It just adds stress into my life, that causes my body to seize up, and that causes me to not be able to take part in the things I love doing in the first place. What does worry me I work diligently to take care of so it doesn’t worry me, in fact I pay people now to help take care on some of my financial issues, it will cost me nothing front end, just off the back end once the money shows up. Seems fair to have no stress.
I am doing my part to be as stress free as possible so I can be a nice as humble pie around everybody. All I can do is worry about me as I have no control over what anybody else does.
So my future holds playing with my son until he no longer wants to play with his dad. Writing about all this so Aidan knows what I was all about and I have an idea what I am all about as I slowly lose all my memories. If I fail in my job to remember or allow myself to slip into no memory if my pain grows to intense, I can certainly not worry.
I think the only thing I will always worry about is, did I do enough for Aidan?