Solitary Confinement

I took Aidan out of school the other day so he could hear first hand from my therapists how my recovery was going.  I already knew what they were going to say, this was all staged for Aidan so he could hear it first hand, and not think dad was making things up.

The news was far from good, in fact so far the reaction has been horror at what we both face now for the next three months of our lives.  I as of today chart everything I am doing down to the minute.  From first morning pee to last night pee before bed, and everything I do between.  This will be done until my full range of activities is known and then charted so I can find out what I am allowed to do and not allowed anymore.

My understanding of my new life is something like this.  I get a certain amount of credits on the day, this will depend on the accuracy of my days activities and how I feel, symptoms must be reported ASAP for accuracy.  I of course can cheat, but the hope is the symptoms will stop, not just be tolerable.  I am cranky, unhappy, and annoyed some people are telling me to live with this and learn to cope.  I have hope I can fully recover and be a better person to all.  Once this begins a phone call could cost me a token out of say fifty, more if the call is difficult on my brain.  Anything I do will cost me tokens, once the tokens run out, so is my day.

Right now if I am totally honest, I can’t make ten minutes.  I have all along been trying to cope, to learn to suffer the pain.  But I can’t with my brain.  Without my brain working properly I can’t cope with the pain in my body.  This of course is intolerable pain that requires an iron will to keep under control.  To be very nice about this, I am not a very pleasant person when I can’t control my body pain, and if my mind is hurting this leads to me being mean and irritable and basically an asshole.

I deserve better, my son Aidan deserves better.  For those that feel I should learn to cope and deal with this, I am sorry you may have done this.  I am sorry if you never recovered and deal with a non working brain, I will do as I need.  My son and I can deal with this until the spring when I will make further decisions.  I know what I need to do, and if a phone call is three minutes then that is what it will be.  If I am forced to explain myself for those three minutes then that is our call.  People will learn to use their time wise, or just not to call me.  If I need to save credits to play with Aidan, I will.  I will not use my credits to talk nonsense on the phone at all.  Goodbye, talk later.  Many have been told already to not call me until June.

I was forced to choose what I define myself as to use this as my baseline for my recovery.  I chose being a dad to Aidan.    Now everything my therapists and I do will be around this concept, what I need to do for Aidan, I will cut time and credits from all other areas to compensate for Aidan time.  So I can teach him as I have always done, in a fun filled calm learning environment.  This is not his fault I am injured and hurt, so he will suffer the least.  Adults in my life will suffer the most, they can afford the losses or should be able to at this point in their lives.

I would expect my posts will be cut heavily to the point I stop as soon as the first spike hits my brain.  This type of brain usage is being frowned upon, but as it helps me clear my mind I will use some credits to this and allow a freer mind for recovery.

So here I sit now, for the next three months not allowed to live my way.  This is not going to be easy at all.  But I feel that three months is nothing compared to a lifetime of headaches and being a dick to those I love.  If I can do anything to change that outcome, it is my duty to do so, my son and I deserve this, and those that may wish to spend time in our lives also deserve a chance so need to understand this now.  Or sadly lose their credits as it is not worth my recovery time to deal with silliness.

Thank you for reading I am taking up your life credits I appreciate this time.

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2 thoughts on “Solitary Confinement

  1. Well, I am just starting to pull my head out of hibernation and get going. I will write soon about all that as it is bad. But I will get writing again soon, it is just not always fun to write about such bad things happening to me.

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