Hurt

I doubt when people are born would they ever think their final days of their lives would be filled with pure grief and loneliness and suffering.

I am 48 years old and I don’t think I have much longer to live now, at least what I would or most would call living anyways.  Each and every day I can feel my mind changing, forgetting such little things most would just ignore the warnings.  I can’t afford to ignore those warnings, my life and my sons life depend on it.

I am getting all the legal paperwork in place to die, I am trying in a desperate attempt to do anything possible to make my sons life a little easier once I am gone.

I am broken now.

I don’t even think that the coming death is the part that hurts so much.  It is doing so alone.  I have spent all my life doing for others, trying to make other lives a little better, usually at a terrible cost to me.  Now I am facing my greatest challenge, living a decent life trying to raise my son all alone.  I do not mean I have nobody in my life, I pay to have them there.  Without my money I would be totally alone with my son and he is only 7.

At this point there is not a single person that will be around to actually help me in the ways I need.  Nobody to hold he at night, stroke my hair and tell me it will be alright.  There will be nobody to rub my legs and back when the pain is so intense as it is now as I cry writing my life away.

This is the part that really hurts.

There is no chance I will ever trust another person to be there for me.  I am making sure my monies are all locked up so nobody can force me to spend as I lose my mind.  I am not an easy person to be with and I know this.  I am extremely smart, I have lived a life many would envy, I have travelled, I have learned so much, i have seen and experienced things nobody else will ever be able to anymore. Times have changed and some places are now locked to the public, places I have been to, seen, experienced.

One of my many therapists says my coping skills are off the charts, that may have once made me proud, now it makes me sick.  As I know I have learned those skills being alone all my life.  Forced to care for myself from around my sons age to now, I started working as a young child, by the time I was 13 everything i owned or had was from my own money, including most of my food.  My brother and sister led different lives at home, and I have not seen nor spoken to either in decades.

I grew stubborn as I had no choice.  When you are molested by a teacher at school and your parents blame you, you learn not to share anymore but to hold everything in.  I was good at that until the head injury opened the gates to my mind.  Now with it slipping my guard is down and I am talking, and alone now.

For a long while now I have known I have nobody to share my mind with.  Christine my lady friend had been unable to help for a longtime now.  She has always thought she could, but her concepts of a relationship are not even close to what mine were.  After 3 years I have given up as pointless to try anymore.  We go on our last family vacation in a couple weeks and then over.  No more birthday trips away for the boys who share the exact same week for birthday 3 years apart.  All over.

My coping skills ARE off the charts, and I can only mange to cope when I just cut the cancers out of my life.  But that means I will no longer allow those cancers to have anything to do with me because of the hurt.  It is easier to never see a person you love then see then a couple times a month and hurt the rest of the time.  I need a mind that does not cry, hurt, drift into the pain of a relationship.  The worst part of this is, I really needed her, but I cant do this the way she wants.  The pain is so great I feel a heart attack coming from it.

Now I dont know if I can even count on her to share her knowledge of the events in my human rights complaints and other legal issues she was supposed to be there for me for.  To share in the joys of vindication, the joys of the wins.  But She has chosen to walk away from me.  Unable to meet me halfway on my demands for our relationship, so I am forced to go out all alone, just as i came into this world.

What I will never understand is why anybody would actually chose to keep hurting all alone instead of sharing if even a brief time together.  To me this makes no sense at all.  It must be woman logic, cause it makes zero sense to not spend all the time possible with somebody you claim to love.  You could have gone back to your old life once I was dead, now you face a life of could have and should haves with no chance of changing things as by the time you understand your mistakes I may be gone.

If we could have talked maybe I could have explained, but I doubt it, your mother said you were stubborn, you will learn that meaning soon enough for many years.  You also seem proud of this trait, i would not be, in time you will face my hurts and regret.

I think now I will begin writing again, as I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I can no longer talk to people, forced into silence.  My silence will be forever soon, and then those that heard my voice will regret not hearing it anymore.

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