I am trying to figure out what to do in the final chapter of my life. I no longer think I will even see my son become a man so I am changing focus to short term plans over anything more than a few weeks away now.
So a trust fund for my son is getting set up, my death is getting set up, yes I have chosen the right to die. In sound mind and body right now I am setting my final wishes set up so when my mind is gone everybody will know what to do.
Be Prepared as a young Boy Scout we learned this.
So I am getting things in order to enjoy myself, as I no longer will have the company of Christine and Nickie it will only be Aidan and myself now enjoy my last days together. HE will face the joys and grief alone as well as I did when a child, I just hope i have set things up properly so he will get he care he needs and I wanted for him. I know his mother will never be able to provide what I wanted from a woman, I pray Dawn will be able to provide that aspect for Aidan after I am dead, as I feel it very important for him to understand what a strong woman is about.
It bothers me greatly to know the boys will part now, after spending so long getting them close to have them ripped apart like this is a huge bother to me. I will soon have no more to share on this topic as the pain is so intense I cant stand it anymore. More people walking out on me.
For now all I will do is my aqua therapy to ease the pain, and help me walk better, I cant walk long or far anymore, after the fantastic job done on me by the medical team that was supposed to help me. I am now in far worse shape than I was before the accident, I have on map my fitness speed runs done just after the accident as I pushed myself not knowing how sick i was. As a disabled person I ranked 4th on sections of the map, I am thrilled at that of course, but again horrified to know how that maybe has damaged my mind more and killed me faster. For fun I will have my son with me, I now plan on keeping him out of school as often as I can to spend more time with him before it is too late. No more pushing him, no more life drills, just plain father son fun.
There will be enough people after I die with huge regrets about their lack of time with me, I do not want Aidan to think back on how tough I was on him in my last days. I want him to only look back at how much fun we had and the pure joy of having somebody like me as his father. As I can assure you, I am not like any father out there in the way I do things. If you saw me and the kids at the parks you would really understand and this has gone on since I took Aidan to the learning centers when he was only weeks old.
I think this post will be short, as I am going to try and stop my moaning about how shitty people treat me, and how shitty my life really is. I have never had a single bit of luck with a single woman in my life, each and every single woman to have ever shared my time has hurt me, let me down, walked away when things got tough for ME.
BUT, and there is always a but Aidan, I have you, and that make up for much. I may no longer have anybody to comfort me, but I get great comfort from you knowing how amazing you are.