The Final Chapter

Be Prepared.

I am trying to figure out what to do in the final chapter of my life.  I no longer think I will even see my son become a man so I am changing focus to short term plans over anything more than a few weeks away now.

So a trust fund for my son is getting set up, my death is getting set up, yes I have chosen the right to die.  In sound mind and body right now I am setting my final wishes set up so when my mind is gone everybody will know what to do.

Be Prepared as a young Boy Scout we learned this.

So I am getting things in order to enjoy myself, as I no longer will have the company of Christine and Nickie it will only be Aidan and myself now enjoy my last days together.  HE will face the joys and grief alone as well as I did when a child, I just hope i have set things up properly so he will get he care he needs and I wanted for him.  I know his mother will never be able to provide what I wanted from a woman, I pray Dawn will be able to provide that aspect for Aidan after I am dead, as I feel it very important for him to understand what a strong woman is about.

It bothers me greatly to know the boys will part now, after spending so long getting them close to have them ripped apart like this is a huge bother to me.  I will soon have no more to share on this topic as the pain is so intense I cant stand it anymore.  More people walking out on me.

For now all I will do is my aqua therapy to ease the pain, and help me walk better, I cant walk long or far anymore, after the fantastic job done on me by the medical team that was supposed to help me.  I am now in far worse shape than I was before the accident, I have on map my fitness speed runs done just after the accident as I pushed myself not knowing how sick i was.  As a disabled person I ranked 4th on sections of the map, I am thrilled at that of course, but again horrified to know how that maybe has damaged my mind more and killed me faster.  For fun I will have my son with me, I now plan on keeping him out of school as often as I can to spend more time with him before it is too late.  No more pushing him, no more life drills, just plain father son fun.

There will be enough people after I die with huge regrets about their lack of time with me, I do not want Aidan to think back on how tough I was on him in my last days.  I want him to only look back at how much fun we had and the pure joy of having somebody like me as his father.  As I can assure you, I am not like any father out there in the way I do things.  If you saw me and the kids at the parks you would really understand and this has gone on since I took Aidan to the learning centers when he was only weeks old.

I think this post will be short, as I am going to try and stop my moaning about how shitty people treat me, and how shitty my life really is. I have never had a single bit of luck with a single woman in my life, each and every single woman to have ever shared my time has hurt me, let me down, walked away when things got tough for ME.

BUT, and there is always a but Aidan, I have you, and that make up for much.  I may no longer have anybody to comfort me, but I get great comfort from you knowing how amazing you are.

 

Hurt

I doubt when people are born would they ever think their final days of their lives would be filled with pure grief and loneliness and suffering.

I am 48 years old and I don’t think I have much longer to live now, at least what I would or most would call living anyways.  Each and every day I can feel my mind changing, forgetting such little things most would just ignore the warnings.  I can’t afford to ignore those warnings, my life and my sons life depend on it.

I am getting all the legal paperwork in place to die, I am trying in a desperate attempt to do anything possible to make my sons life a little easier once I am gone.

I am broken now.

I don’t even think that the coming death is the part that hurts so much.  It is doing so alone.  I have spent all my life doing for others, trying to make other lives a little better, usually at a terrible cost to me.  Now I am facing my greatest challenge, living a decent life trying to raise my son all alone.  I do not mean I have nobody in my life, I pay to have them there.  Without my money I would be totally alone with my son and he is only 7.

At this point there is not a single person that will be around to actually help me in the ways I need.  Nobody to hold he at night, stroke my hair and tell me it will be alright.  There will be nobody to rub my legs and back when the pain is so intense as it is now as I cry writing my life away.

This is the part that really hurts.

There is no chance I will ever trust another person to be there for me.  I am making sure my monies are all locked up so nobody can force me to spend as I lose my mind.  I am not an easy person to be with and I know this.  I am extremely smart, I have lived a life many would envy, I have travelled, I have learned so much, i have seen and experienced things nobody else will ever be able to anymore. Times have changed and some places are now locked to the public, places I have been to, seen, experienced.

One of my many therapists says my coping skills are off the charts, that may have once made me proud, now it makes me sick.  As I know I have learned those skills being alone all my life.  Forced to care for myself from around my sons age to now, I started working as a young child, by the time I was 13 everything i owned or had was from my own money, including most of my food.  My brother and sister led different lives at home, and I have not seen nor spoken to either in decades.

I grew stubborn as I had no choice.  When you are molested by a teacher at school and your parents blame you, you learn not to share anymore but to hold everything in.  I was good at that until the head injury opened the gates to my mind.  Now with it slipping my guard is down and I am talking, and alone now.

For a long while now I have known I have nobody to share my mind with.  Christine my lady friend had been unable to help for a longtime now.  She has always thought she could, but her concepts of a relationship are not even close to what mine were.  After 3 years I have given up as pointless to try anymore.  We go on our last family vacation in a couple weeks and then over.  No more birthday trips away for the boys who share the exact same week for birthday 3 years apart.  All over.

My coping skills ARE off the charts, and I can only mange to cope when I just cut the cancers out of my life.  But that means I will no longer allow those cancers to have anything to do with me because of the hurt.  It is easier to never see a person you love then see then a couple times a month and hurt the rest of the time.  I need a mind that does not cry, hurt, drift into the pain of a relationship.  The worst part of this is, I really needed her, but I cant do this the way she wants.  The pain is so great I feel a heart attack coming from it.

Now I dont know if I can even count on her to share her knowledge of the events in my human rights complaints and other legal issues she was supposed to be there for me for.  To share in the joys of vindication, the joys of the wins.  But She has chosen to walk away from me.  Unable to meet me halfway on my demands for our relationship, so I am forced to go out all alone, just as i came into this world.

What I will never understand is why anybody would actually chose to keep hurting all alone instead of sharing if even a brief time together.  To me this makes no sense at all.  It must be woman logic, cause it makes zero sense to not spend all the time possible with somebody you claim to love.  You could have gone back to your old life once I was dead, now you face a life of could have and should haves with no chance of changing things as by the time you understand your mistakes I may be gone.

If we could have talked maybe I could have explained, but I doubt it, your mother said you were stubborn, you will learn that meaning soon enough for many years.  You also seem proud of this trait, i would not be, in time you will face my hurts and regret.

I think now I will begin writing again, as I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I can no longer talk to people, forced into silence.  My silence will be forever soon, and then those that heard my voice will regret not hearing it anymore.

September 2017

This is my last summer.  My last couple weeks with a girlfriend, the last few weeks with a single person in my life to share things with.  My time is short and I want to live.  So I have been forced to tell Christine my girlfriend of the past 3 years come this September we are done.

We are sadly going to be finished as a couple.  She has decided that I am too much for her to live with, and that is all I wanted, after 3 years to live with the person I loved, notice the tense ?

So now I will have to tell the children that we have 2 more weeks together and that will be it.  We will no longer be getting together as Christine no longer actually wants to live herself.  She is content to sit at home each and every weekend tired from her work.  Unable to do anything with my son and myself.  Her harsh words “Fuck your Son” Howling in my mind.

Come September when the kids go back to school I will be alone.  Christine has decided that this is best, me with nobody to do anything with, alone to wait for her to see me when she wants.  She feels this is best for all.

Too bad I enjoy life, I wont sit around anymore waiting.  I am going to live my last few years my way.  I may no longer be able to rally race, or mountain bike or anything else that I used to enjoy.  But I am very good at a few other things as well.  The women that will meet me will discover this out soon enough, now I am no longer tied to a single person.  I am free to do as I wish, as I have zero life expectancy who cares right?

What I feel bad about at least for a short period of time is the kids.  Poor Nick, a father that treats him like shit.  A father that signed off on papers that he does not even want to see his own son.  Yet he gets more from Christine than I do.  Strange that, he offers nothing, takes everything he can, yet he gets more than I.  A person that for the past 3 years has done everything to help both Christine and Nickie grow as people.  Poor Aidan will be hurt as Nickie and Aidan have grown close, all done now.  the kids come September will never see each other again, that ship has sailed now.

Poor Christine just does not get it at all.  Never has and never will.  And her poor son will suffer his whole life because of her shortcomings.  But no longer my concern, he is not my son, has been taught no respect and only listen to mommy.  Too bad mommy is not a father as he is being raised as a woman, he acts like it and when a man will suffer for this.

I got up today at 3 am.  Why not.  I have zero need to follow anything in life the way you people do.  I have no future, i will not see my sons wedding, his children, have anybody to care for me even on my deaths door.

I AM ALONE!!

Thank you Christine for your time.

I am very scared and hurt people.  How many of you know you are dying?  How many of you know you have to deal with your death now?  I will not see any of my plans to the end anymore.  I have no chance of seeing how my son will be when he is an adult even. And I face this alone.

Fuck you Christine.

Instead of having loving hands rubbing my back to make the pain go away a little to calm me down, I had a woman that used me to try and teach her son.  She got 3 years out of me and when the going got tough, as every other person, man or woman has done, she ran.  So now my son and I will suffer, I will have to pay people to rub my back now, more money out of Aidan’s hands.  More bitterness for him to see.

Now I no longer have to worry about even trying to pretend we have a relationship i will just be myself.  I am tired of being all nice and loving when I hear things like this. ” I am so tired from work I cant talk”  “this whole weekend is all about doing nothing I am so tired” ” Nickie and I need our rest”  Yet, and Yet, today after a week of camp, total exhaustion is all i have heard all week, guess where they are going today after a long week?  The ROM for the evening.  Yes a museum, more walking, more time downtown, and the reasons given just make me shake my head at woman think.

But this is why things are over and done now.  I am expected to believe the bullshit, the lies, the garbage.  I am supposed to have believed ” Just love me ” and ignore ” Fuck your Son”  Funny I tried even.  I tried.  Not her, me.

So a person i got to see a few times only this whole summer that expects me to wait for weeks on end for her to decide she can finally spend an hour or so and all is good.  Maybe is her world, but not in mine.  Doing this  to me is going to  force me to find other lovers, and why not, I have no mind, my body works fine. I will find women to spend my days with to talk with as poor Christine cant even do that with me anymore, she has closed so many area of conversation if we are not in bed together there is nothing to do. I have no future, and she had no desire to try for one.

So I am a single man with no future expectations, and a short time to fill out a fun bucket list before I go.

I wonder where I will begin.

Robbed

I now understand fully the violation of being robbed.  This time I am not just talking about my stolen health and mind.  I am talking about being robbed of my possessions.  I have not experienced this kind of anxiety in ages, and this could not have come at a worse time of course, but this is MY life.

I am off to a meeting in a short while to find out about my Human Rights Complaint against the ODSB here in Ontario.  It seems nobody has done anything and I may be out of time.  If so I may explode in outrage, i am worried.  But this time at my meeting for the very first time Dawn will be around, and I hope she will not be duped as I have been into believing people are actually helping me.

I have been trying to get a Human Rights complaint filed for nearly a year now since my accident.  Everybody keeps telling me I am not healthy enough to do anything, my shattered mind needs to be shut down and allowed to rest fully.  I tried in vain to get help.  I begged people to help me.  I have been thrown out of a neurologists office and told basically to fend for myself, in front of my complicated, we were stunned. Everywhere I have turned I have been left to my own to figure out my own health care, I have suffered so much as I get so confused, I am now starting to think this has been the plan, to delay as long as possible.

I am sitting here with my stomach churning in turmoil.  Trying to stay calm when so angry.

Well, I am back from the meeting now, it seems I may be in trouble still, but my reasons are solid, my brain injury may just work out in my favour for a change. From the general thoughts on the meeting I may have a decent chance.  The lawyers are kind of shocked at what I faced, and are saying they will help me the best they can.

If all I have left to do in my life is fight garbage like this and raise my son, I think i will be doing ok by me.  This cant seem like a terrible job.  If I have some sort of enjoyment for myself, i can do this.  I get to play with my son for a week on, and rest and deal with garbage a week off from my love, and that is my son.

90% Win I won the Lotto

Here I am all of a sudden a huge winner, I have won the total jackpot and will be set for life.  Keep on reading so you can feel all happy and warm at night knowing you won’t have to worry about things as I will.  Be happy you are not a huge lotto winner as I am because it can change your life in ways you can’t imagine.

As some of you know I have been disabled since 2009, and last year in the summer I got into a car wreck with my son Aidan, and then in December an elevator accident.  Now I am sure I have told you that I have had fantastic luck with the medical team that was supposed to care for me.  That is part of my jackpot winnings.

As you know my Neurologist last year picked up my legs and let them drop onto the table in the exam room and said I was fine.  Now thank God my complicated was there, she heard much and was certainly there when we returned begging for help to be turned away.  6 or so months later I can no longer walk any distance and even the short amount I can do is scary as hell as I am off balance.

Now here is how things make me such a lucky guy.  Now if I had been diagnosed with a Traumatic Brain Injury at the start I may have had a chance.  I am talking right now with a Doctor in Another part of the world who is in shock at how everything got missed with me.  And in fact telling me outright to sue heavily as if this had been found out I may have had a chance to deal with my bleak future.

I am reading heavily now, something I am not supposed to do but nobody seems to be doing anything about my situation so I am forced to do my own health care.  What I have found out is this, I am now 90% more likely to face non alzheimer’s dementia as my Traumatic Brain Injury occurred at the very very worst possible time, between the ages of 40-50 , the studies are showing a whopping 90% increase in Dementia in this age range especially.

Now at least I have an angel helping me, and she is taking over much in my life, making my living will as we both know my end is coming.  I will go forward and sue everybody involved in this, no matter who or what agency and place all monies into a trust for my care until I die and my sons future.  As the lady taking care of me and I fully agree I will be in an institution for care and likely on an powerful opiate and out of my mind not knowing who anybody is, and strong, I am a very powerful guy.  I have come to the conclusion being put down like an injured animal is best once certain criteria is met.

I am forced to do this now as nobody knows when my mind will go, a single blow to my head could cause me to lose everything.  I need the machine in place in case all this happens.  It is in the works now.  Also we plan on taking a lot of agencies to Human Rights, maybe not the way to make huge money, but to embarrass the agencies that have made my life hell, more fun.

Aidan my darling son, when you finally read all this, I hope after my death you will understand better why dad did what I did.  I could not handle the thought of you coming to hate me.  I am crying like a baby trying to write these words now my son, and having a terrible time of it.  I want you to know you are my life, and worth everything I have ever done, everything.  For you I have no regrets for how I have raised you and i know it has both been great fun and a lot of trouble.

My son, know in your future you have both Sunshine and Dawn covered for all the needs you may have.  I may no longer be there for you, but I hope everything I put in place is going smoothly for you.  I know you miss me terrible, but know I made as many plans as I could to protect you.  I have all the videos and pictures of us, and I hope you can find some peace with them.  I hope our Youtube show got started and we did well with all that.  I may not have been able to bring you everything I wanted Aidan, I tired, that is for sure, but the rest is up to you now.  I hope you learned from me.

I will continue to write until I cant, maybe not as much as I used to, my mind is not as cluttered as it once was.  I am very scared Aidan, knowing I will lose my mind and not know who you are is near killing me today.  I get you in a few hours from now and count the minutes until we can enjoy ourselves.

Remember Aidan, Dawn and Sunshine will help you with everything you need help with, and of course you have your mother.  Talking to you this way about my coming death is about the same emotions I felt when I was talking about your coming birth.  Just different emotions, crying today is the pain of loss, then the joy of you coming.

I wish I had somebody to talk with about all this, but my friends are no longer there for me, turned their backs.  Not understanding the gravity of the situation.  So I am alone like the Rock of Gibraltar alone and trying so hard to stay solid for you, and it is not always easy my Aidan.

I need to stop writing now as I am spending too much time wiping snot from my face and chest.  If i had 100 years with you my lad, it still would never be enough time and i would howl as i am now saying goodbye.

I do love you so much.

One Step Forward, Two Back

When is enough, enough?  I sit here in tears right now, just stunned by what has just gone on in the last 24 hours.  With everything else I am dealing with I had a seizure yesterday.

What is amazing is my “head therapist” and I have so many I actually mean my therapist that deals with my mind , are working on certain things that will help us discover what is causing such rapid mood swings.  Well anyways I was talking about a highly emotional issue while lying in bed with my complicated and woke up to find her holding my head.

What happened just before that are extremely different versions of the same time frame.  From my point of view I was on one of my diatribes and my head turned and my eyes closed while I was talking away.  I made perfect sense, I am extremely intelligent after all.  What really happened is this.  My eyes did close, my head did turn, my mouth opened and closed though like a fish, not a word came out of my mouth and I was panting.  My body shut down, I could not move, if I had been standing I would have collapsed to the ground.

So being the man I am I called my physiotherapy clinic that is in charge of my recovery.  They do everything for me there.  My brain therapy, my physiotherapy, my massage therapy, my Occupational therapist, my pyscotherapist is there, my whole life these days.  All in one clinic designed for me to go to for all my very specific medical needs, set up by the insurance company.  Well I call them and let them know what happened to me, and I needed to change my appointments around so I can see my Doctor.

Well, they take my information, make the changes in the system and I am set as I am taking my son and my girlfriend and her son to a waterpark on Thursday that has been planned for months and the clinic is perfectly aware of.  The whole basis of the past 4 months or so has been for this trip.  A thank you to my son for all his efforts in putting up with dad being so ill.  Well they call me back and not only cancel my visits this week, but ban me from the clinic for any therapy period.  “It may not look good Ian if you had a seizure here”

So I am now alone again, 10% memory capacity, ruined body, a deep fear of leaving my home anymore and no therapist anymore to talk with.

The great news is, I was accepted into a Govt program to get my a scooter to get around on, further showing how badly damaged my body is.  The bad news is it will take at least 10 weeks to get the unit, so summer is over already for Aidan and myself.

I hired a fantastic person this past week to take care of all this stuff for me.  This is the same person that I used to draft up the parenting agreement.  I finally feel once she takes over I may have a fighting chance to get anything to help me.  The load off my mind has been great, as with now such limited cognitive ability  I can use any help I can get.

Now Imagine having little mind, no friends, no family, nobody to check on you but for once a week, trying to raise a 7 year old now, and have all your support cut out from your feet in a single phone call?  I am frantic right now with no clue on what to do.

This seems on the verge of criminal to me.  Everybody at that clinic is aware of how bad my health is and how badly I need the physiotherapy.  BUt I make waves, and I think this is done to get me out of the clinic now.  They have said I cant come into the clinic until I have medical clearance from my Doctor.  Well, as this is my brain we are talking about, that Doctor wont even be seen until August and that is due to the clinic not doing there job and getting me into one months ago.  I had to take care of my own medical needs as the patient, and that is something the insurance company said no way that should ever happen.

So I make waves about my money being spent improperly, staff not even with proper certification to treat me, and I get cut off from treatment that was working and very needed.  3 days before a long planned with the clinics aid  vacation.  This is unreal I am now forced to go away without any form of treatments for over a week.  I refuse to allow this to ruin my sons trip, but I already has mine as I know I cant slide at all.  The physio was counted on to make all this work.  Thank god I have my Scottish forsite and saw this happening and made sure I have somebody to help me and her son to play with Aidan.  I seem to always know when to plan for the worst, thank god I listen.

Now I wait, the guy with the severe brain injury and no patience.  This should be interesting, I wonder what will happen this time, another arrest?  Who knows.  I know this though, I wont be leaving my home at all anymore unless I must or I have somebody with me to deal with a world that had gone totally lunatic.

Once Insane, Got No Brain

Well how to begin telling people that your brain is busted for good, broken down and no longer working right.  To be honest, with all I have faced it is done very bluntly and usually of late done with a lot of yelling.

As some of you know, and those that don’t go read my earlier material, I have suffered greatly.  I got some tests results back a couple weeks ago that has left me scrambling for help long term.  My brain is now confirmed mush, a part of it has been destroyed, and my memory now functions at about 10%.

I am now forced to deal with being old, slow and stupid.  I may not be actually stupid, in all honesty I am very highly intelligent, but the way my brain works now it makes me look it.  I have a difficult time pulling words from my mind and using them, I can write, but I have trouble speaking sometimes.  When agitated and this usually happens simply because the people I am forced to deal with are idiots.  the discriminate against me more often than not, in fact so much I have finally decided to hire somebody to just deal with all my lawsuits now.  I no longer even tell people how upset they have made me, I just fire off another legal matter.  I am now using the system to pay for my life and my sons life.

Yes, I am now becoming a cottage industry, piss me off, you have been served.  I am meeting with a lawyer this week to talk to them about running all this for me.  I can no longer keep up with all the action I have going.  I figure with how people treat me and the laws in Canada I can make a fortune, and I will, for Aidan.

I was told I had to show my ID to just hand in my change of information on my Disability parking pass, I have to assume this is because I walked up to the front of the line as is my right.  But the person did not like that, they demanded photo ID before they would serve me.  42 years driving and never once have I had to show ID, none of my friends with their Disability passes have had to show ID, just me.  I said nothing, but went home and filed a formal complaint with the Govt.  Told them I am suing them already on multiple fronts, and here is another.  All I had to do was hand in the paperwork, they did not need to do anything at all.

I am told that after waiting since October for a highly special DR to see me, that nobody had actually even tried to find one.  So 10 months after my car accident I am still not even been seen by a single DR that can help me.  I have been told this past week that it will take 10 months to get me into a very specialized brain injury care program.  So that gem will be now 2 years after my accident, and I am a single father desperately trying to raise my 7 year old son with ZERO HELP.

My taxes got messed up, the Canada revenue agency agrees their fault, but it will take them 24 weeks to fix the issue, we are sorry.  Well holy shit, all that money would have been nice for Aidan to have anything this summer.  The Family Responsibility Office totally messed up the final court order, they cut off my child support.  They are so stupid they actually argued with both myself and my ex wife that fully agrees with me and that she owes me a huge pile more money.  Well SIR, that is not OUR fault and it will take time to fix, no we dont know how long.  So no money there either.  The Ontario Govt has cut me support money because the Family Responsibility Office called them to tell them that this must be done.  No money there either, and they refuse to fix that.

So I have no money, no way to pay my rent, put food on my table, put my son into any summer program as all low levels of Govt require the Tax information I cant show them.  So Aidan is now forced to go to my physiotherapy daily, massage, gym time as I simply have no money to do a damn thing for him.  Once my line of credit is maxed out I declare bankruptcy and that will be it.  If any of the monies that we expect from all the legal matters comes in I get to have a home, if not, well, I wont live on the streets.

I still suffer daily from terrible post concussion symptoms, I am stressed out to the point I do not ever leave my home without an escort even if it my son, as I am a bit unpredictable with people that misunderstand the depth of my injuries.  I have been in jail once and do not wish to go there again.  The water park that offered to help my son and me for his Birthday this year backed out said no, and I still intend to deal with them in some way.  I am still trying to get a mobility device so I dont have to walk anymore, but man do people discriminate even in the medical field.  I have a Govt OT coming this week to my home to see me, see what happens there.

The only true great thing I have going in my life is my son, he tries so hard, rarely gets upset with me, does everything he can to help me well beyond his years.  Yes I am sure my complicated girlfriend will not be happy when she reads this, but she is called the complicated GF for a very good reason.

I am sure I have missed much, my brutal memory is fine with that now, I no longer care to try. I am sure the Cypress Hill would have a good chuckle on my use of their song lyrics, but having no brain is how I now feel.  Society has gotten so stupid that having any higher functions that sets you as different makes you a total outcaste, and now I am finding out those close to me really do not share my concepts on life and values, and that is causing me to really rethink the purpose of sharing my life with others anymore.

 

401 Toronto Scouts Troop

My son has started his journey in the Scouts program.  He is the 4th generation to have done so.  My grandfather started back in Scotland I guess before the true Scouts program began, but the exact same concept none the less.   The point of this is to show we are a true Scouts family.  Multiple generations all involved with the same program to teach young boys and now young girls the important life lessons and values that a true Scout holds dear.

At least that was what I had hoped to do when I enrolled Aidan into the start point Beavers this year, Troop 401 of Toronto.  We live right on the Toronto Mississauga border so this was a choice because of the times only.  My ex wife lives in that area, and I will be moving there in the next year, so making this ideal for all.

Now as many of you may know, I have been disabled since 2009, an accumulation of 25 years worth of horrific injuries all catching up with me and rendering me unable to do much of anything anymore.  In August of 2016 my son Aidan and I got  t-boned and I have suffered terribly since with a Traumatic Brain Injury that has left me with virtually no memories of who I am, who my son is and more importantly, a hair trigger temper I never had before.  Never mind the new pain levels that have left me throwing up with pain and passing out.

Since this last accident I have learned to walk again, learned who my son is again, learned who I am again, I am still learning to control my temper, I now stay indoors by myself unless I have somebody with me, or I am in a nature setting.

Aidan asked me to join him for his first Scouts outing, a shore line clean up.  I love my Scouts, and I love my nature, I said sure.  How could things go wrong, it is a Boy Scout event, safe, pain I can deal with.

It takes me nearly an hour now to get dressed, this was a cold spring day in Canada, so many layers and my North Face outerwear the outfit that has a total cost to me of nearly 2500$.  I spend more on my outdoor gear than I do on my car.  Now the total time it took me to get there was 2 hours, I got to the public park a little early so I could get the parking spot I needed.  I know the park well, I have taken Aidan there since he was a toddler, I knew where the cleanup would take place as I am smart, with the amount of time expected I knew I could not walk much once the program finished.

Now Aidan shows up and we go off to play as we have always done at this park.  We were early, so where was the harm, right?  One of the Scout leaders comes over and tells me to move my car.

I asked him if he was actually talking to me, the owner of the car parked with the handicap parking pass plastered all over the front window of my car.  HE actually said he was.  Told me I was in the Scouts way and needed to move the car right away.  I explained first off I am disabled and the have a right to park anywhere I need, this is a public park, and ummm, I am DISABLED!!

Now when I was young, and my father was young and grandfather the same, all young men going through the Scouts program we dropped what we had in our hands to help those  in need.  Helped the little old ladies across the road, took groceries to their cars.  We never once told somebody in need to get out of our way.  Never once told anybody in need we are a pain and want us to leave.

Now with smartphones and the ability to capture these idiots in action shows how the Scouts program has changed so much.  After the confrontation with the Scout leader that left me unable to walk, shaking so bad I was forced to go home and stay off my legs.  Yes, I had to leave my son who watched all in horror, his friends in the program, all watching this in horror.  I now have the tail end of this confrontation and once I figure out how this works will post on Youtube.

Why?  I am supposed to love my Scouts.  Well I do, but the Scouts of today are not the Scouts of yesteryear. I reached out to Scouts Canada.  Spoke with their top directors about what happened, the same day the incident took place even.  I was told that they are in shock, this could not have happened, and they are sorry.  They will have the 401 Toronto Troop leadership apologize to Aidan in person and to me in writing as I plan on framing this and putting it up on my walls with all the others.

3 weeks later, tonight in fact being the 4th week since the incident, no apology to Aidan in person, and the letter I got from Scouts Canada has not only my name spelled wrong, but Aidan’s name spelled wrong.  It was not a letter of apology but a letter of excuses as to how this was really my fault and not the Scouts.  They tried to tell me my parked car was a danger to the children, yet their cars parked right beside mine were not.

No, the Scouts of today are a disgrace, when I taught Scuba Diving at the Girl Guides World Jamboree 30 years ago here in Canada I thought it amazing.  The future looked bright, the kids I met amazing, and Scouting’s future looked solid.  Now I will post for all to see just how low the Scouts levels have dropped.  For this I am in shame as this was not my Scouts of my day, but yet another example of the rot society is facing.

 

Cognitive Overload

Some of you may notice but most will not have but I have not written in the last couple of months.  I have been shut down by my brain therapist fully.  Sworn to silence at home with my son and everywhere else.  So this is the first time I have even looked at my site since the order was given.

Today I have something short I will share as this is the type of thing that just gets under my skin and stirs my battle juices.  Plus my mind is just no longer able to accept this type of situation quietly anymore.

In February when the shut down order was given I had contacted the Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls Ontario Canada to book a special event for my son, myself and my very complicated girlfriend’s son who also shares a birthday with my own son.  I had explained to them the situation I faced and asked them for help in making my sons Birthday this year a special event as he has missed this last year due to the extent of my injuries.

They said sure thing, we can make this work for you, contact us and we will do what we can to help out.  I thought great, this is taken care of, I can now focus on recovery.

Now I have contacted the Great Wolf Lodge to give them the day I was able to come up with as the trip is highly complicated as they were made aware of.  They have notified me that the day in question is a busy day (Thursday June 8th ) and they can only give the high end rates or we could move the months of planning, months of brutal recovery, months of my son suffering and watching me suffer, to another day when it will cost them less money to help me out.

This is a Family Water Park, they stress the focus on family.  In fact it is screw the family, screw the injured, screw the disabled, screw the children that were told their months of suffering will be worth it in the end as you have been told you will be able to go.

The almighty bottom line strikes again ala the Airline that bumps Doctors by dragging them off planes, Air Canada that bumps a child off a year in planning vacation as they over booked.

Corporate greed in full swing.

The 1% taking further from those with nothing.

As the Great Wolf Lodge would say, have a Great Wolf Day, and we will as another water park has stepped up and taken care of us to the best of their ability.  I now have to walk across a road to get to the park we are going to, but at least the children will have their trip on their birthdays. I have to say thank you to my very complicated Girlfriend for her help on making this happen, as without her taking over and making the effort to contact others parks the trip would not have taken off.

A father’s work is just never done.

Solitary Confinement

I took Aidan out of school the other day so he could hear first hand from my therapists how my recovery was going.  I already knew what they were going to say, this was all staged for Aidan so he could hear it first hand, and not think dad was making things up.

The news was far from good, in fact so far the reaction has been horror at what we both face now for the next three months of our lives.  I as of today chart everything I am doing down to the minute.  From first morning pee to last night pee before bed, and everything I do between.  This will be done until my full range of activities is known and then charted so I can find out what I am allowed to do and not allowed anymore.

My understanding of my new life is something like this.  I get a certain amount of credits on the day, this will depend on the accuracy of my days activities and how I feel, symptoms must be reported ASAP for accuracy.  I of course can cheat, but the hope is the symptoms will stop, not just be tolerable.  I am cranky, unhappy, and annoyed some people are telling me to live with this and learn to cope.  I have hope I can fully recover and be a better person to all.  Once this begins a phone call could cost me a token out of say fifty, more if the call is difficult on my brain.  Anything I do will cost me tokens, once the tokens run out, so is my day.

Right now if I am totally honest, I can’t make ten minutes.  I have all along been trying to cope, to learn to suffer the pain.  But I can’t with my brain.  Without my brain working properly I can’t cope with the pain in my body.  This of course is intolerable pain that requires an iron will to keep under control.  To be very nice about this, I am not a very pleasant person when I can’t control my body pain, and if my mind is hurting this leads to me being mean and irritable and basically an asshole.

I deserve better, my son Aidan deserves better.  For those that feel I should learn to cope and deal with this, I am sorry you may have done this.  I am sorry if you never recovered and deal with a non working brain, I will do as I need.  My son and I can deal with this until the spring when I will make further decisions.  I know what I need to do, and if a phone call is three minutes then that is what it will be.  If I am forced to explain myself for those three minutes then that is our call.  People will learn to use their time wise, or just not to call me.  If I need to save credits to play with Aidan, I will.  I will not use my credits to talk nonsense on the phone at all.  Goodbye, talk later.  Many have been told already to not call me until June.

I was forced to choose what I define myself as to use this as my baseline for my recovery.  I chose being a dad to Aidan.    Now everything my therapists and I do will be around this concept, what I need to do for Aidan, I will cut time and credits from all other areas to compensate for Aidan time.  So I can teach him as I have always done, in a fun filled calm learning environment.  This is not his fault I am injured and hurt, so he will suffer the least.  Adults in my life will suffer the most, they can afford the losses or should be able to at this point in their lives.

I would expect my posts will be cut heavily to the point I stop as soon as the first spike hits my brain.  This type of brain usage is being frowned upon, but as it helps me clear my mind I will use some credits to this and allow a freer mind for recovery.

So here I sit now, for the next three months not allowed to live my way.  This is not going to be easy at all.  But I feel that three months is nothing compared to a lifetime of headaches and being a dick to those I love.  If I can do anything to change that outcome, it is my duty to do so, my son and I deserve this, and those that may wish to spend time in our lives also deserve a chance so need to understand this now.  Or sadly lose their credits as it is not worth my recovery time to deal with silliness.

Thank you for reading I am taking up your life credits I appreciate this time.