TBI WARRIOR

Well here I am.  The TBI Warrior is born.  After now 14 months of no medical care and people ignoring my brain injury and my suffering, things have changed.

I still have no lawyer, I did hire on a fantastic lady to take care of things, such as all my medical visits, legal issues that are starting, and more important, listen to what people are saying and doing to me and dealing with them.  This has made some astonishing changes to my life already, many more to follow as she gets going.

I am finally after many months doing massage therapy again, and about to start Aqua therapy to lessen the agonizing pain I suffer trying to rehab on land.  This week I start with a meeting with the Acquired Brain Injury program.  From this meeting I am hoping my recovery can finally get going in regards to my Damaged Brain.

I have decided to keep my writing much shorter now as this drains me.  Getting things out of my head is vital but overdoing things is worse.  I have now taken up my guitar playing up again, and making music again.  Not easy when you can’t remember what you did the day before, but I now video my sessions so I can remember that way and continue on.

I am a survivor.

 

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The Final Chapter

Be Prepared.

I am trying to figure out what to do in the final chapter of my life.  I no longer think I will even see my son become a man so I am changing focus to short term plans over anything more than a few weeks away now.

So a trust fund for my son is getting set up, my death is getting set up, yes I have chosen the right to die.  In sound mind and body right now I am setting my final wishes set up so when my mind is gone everybody will know what to do.

Be Prepared as a young Boy Scout we learned this.

So I am getting things in order to enjoy myself, as I no longer will have the company of Christine and Nickie it will only be Aidan and myself now enjoy my last days together.  HE will face the joys and grief alone as well as I did when a child, I just hope i have set things up properly so he will get he care he needs and I wanted for him.  I know his mother will never be able to provide what I wanted from a woman, I pray Dawn will be able to provide that aspect for Aidan after I am dead, as I feel it very important for him to understand what a strong woman is about.

It bothers me greatly to know the boys will part now, after spending so long getting them close to have them ripped apart like this is a huge bother to me.  I will soon have no more to share on this topic as the pain is so intense I cant stand it anymore.  More people walking out on me.

For now all I will do is my aqua therapy to ease the pain, and help me walk better, I cant walk long or far anymore, after the fantastic job done on me by the medical team that was supposed to help me.  I am now in far worse shape than I was before the accident, I have on map my fitness speed runs done just after the accident as I pushed myself not knowing how sick i was.  As a disabled person I ranked 4th on sections of the map, I am thrilled at that of course, but again horrified to know how that maybe has damaged my mind more and killed me faster.  For fun I will have my son with me, I now plan on keeping him out of school as often as I can to spend more time with him before it is too late.  No more pushing him, no more life drills, just plain father son fun.

There will be enough people after I die with huge regrets about their lack of time with me, I do not want Aidan to think back on how tough I was on him in my last days.  I want him to only look back at how much fun we had and the pure joy of having somebody like me as his father.  As I can assure you, I am not like any father out there in the way I do things.  If you saw me and the kids at the parks you would really understand and this has gone on since I took Aidan to the learning centers when he was only weeks old.

I think this post will be short, as I am going to try and stop my moaning about how shitty people treat me, and how shitty my life really is. I have never had a single bit of luck with a single woman in my life, each and every single woman to have ever shared my time has hurt me, let me down, walked away when things got tough for ME.

BUT, and there is always a but Aidan, I have you, and that make up for much.  I may no longer have anybody to comfort me, but I get great comfort from you knowing how amazing you are.

 

Hurt

I doubt when people are born would they ever think their final days of their lives would be filled with pure grief and loneliness and suffering.

I am 48 years old and I don’t think I have much longer to live now, at least what I would or most would call living anyways.  Each and every day I can feel my mind changing, forgetting such little things most would just ignore the warnings.  I can’t afford to ignore those warnings, my life and my sons life depend on it.

I am getting all the legal paperwork in place to die, I am trying in a desperate attempt to do anything possible to make my sons life a little easier once I am gone.

I am broken now.

I don’t even think that the coming death is the part that hurts so much.  It is doing so alone.  I have spent all my life doing for others, trying to make other lives a little better, usually at a terrible cost to me.  Now I am facing my greatest challenge, living a decent life trying to raise my son all alone.  I do not mean I have nobody in my life, I pay to have them there.  Without my money I would be totally alone with my son and he is only 7.

At this point there is not a single person that will be around to actually help me in the ways I need.  Nobody to hold he at night, stroke my hair and tell me it will be alright.  There will be nobody to rub my legs and back when the pain is so intense as it is now as I cry writing my life away.

This is the part that really hurts.

There is no chance I will ever trust another person to be there for me.  I am making sure my monies are all locked up so nobody can force me to spend as I lose my mind.  I am not an easy person to be with and I know this.  I am extremely smart, I have lived a life many would envy, I have travelled, I have learned so much, i have seen and experienced things nobody else will ever be able to anymore. Times have changed and some places are now locked to the public, places I have been to, seen, experienced.

One of my many therapists says my coping skills are off the charts, that may have once made me proud, now it makes me sick.  As I know I have learned those skills being alone all my life.  Forced to care for myself from around my sons age to now, I started working as a young child, by the time I was 13 everything i owned or had was from my own money, including most of my food.  My brother and sister led different lives at home, and I have not seen nor spoken to either in decades.

I grew stubborn as I had no choice.  When you are molested by a teacher at school and your parents blame you, you learn not to share anymore but to hold everything in.  I was good at that until the head injury opened the gates to my mind.  Now with it slipping my guard is down and I am talking, and alone now.

For a long while now I have known I have nobody to share my mind with.  Christine my lady friend had been unable to help for a longtime now.  She has always thought she could, but her concepts of a relationship are not even close to what mine were.  After 3 years I have given up as pointless to try anymore.  We go on our last family vacation in a couple weeks and then over.  No more birthday trips away for the boys who share the exact same week for birthday 3 years apart.  All over.

My coping skills ARE off the charts, and I can only mange to cope when I just cut the cancers out of my life.  But that means I will no longer allow those cancers to have anything to do with me because of the hurt.  It is easier to never see a person you love then see then a couple times a month and hurt the rest of the time.  I need a mind that does not cry, hurt, drift into the pain of a relationship.  The worst part of this is, I really needed her, but I cant do this the way she wants.  The pain is so great I feel a heart attack coming from it.

Now I dont know if I can even count on her to share her knowledge of the events in my human rights complaints and other legal issues she was supposed to be there for me for.  To share in the joys of vindication, the joys of the wins.  But She has chosen to walk away from me.  Unable to meet me halfway on my demands for our relationship, so I am forced to go out all alone, just as i came into this world.

What I will never understand is why anybody would actually chose to keep hurting all alone instead of sharing if even a brief time together.  To me this makes no sense at all.  It must be woman logic, cause it makes zero sense to not spend all the time possible with somebody you claim to love.  You could have gone back to your old life once I was dead, now you face a life of could have and should haves with no chance of changing things as by the time you understand your mistakes I may be gone.

If we could have talked maybe I could have explained, but I doubt it, your mother said you were stubborn, you will learn that meaning soon enough for many years.  You also seem proud of this trait, i would not be, in time you will face my hurts and regret.

I think now I will begin writing again, as I need somewhere to put my thoughts, I can no longer talk to people, forced into silence.  My silence will be forever soon, and then those that heard my voice will regret not hearing it anymore.

September 2017

This is my last summer.  My last couple weeks with a girlfriend, the last few weeks with a single person in my life to share things with.  My time is short and I want to live.  So I have been forced to tell Christine my girlfriend of the past 3 years come this September we are done.

We are sadly going to be finished as a couple.  She has decided that I am too much for her to live with, and that is all I wanted, after 3 years to live with the person I loved, notice the tense ?

So now I will have to tell the children that we have 2 more weeks together and that will be it.  We will no longer be getting together as Christine no longer actually wants to live herself.  She is content to sit at home each and every weekend tired from her work.  Unable to do anything with my son and myself.  Her harsh words “Fuck your Son” Howling in my mind.

Come September when the kids go back to school I will be alone.  Christine has decided that this is best, me with nobody to do anything with, alone to wait for her to see me when she wants.  She feels this is best for all.

Too bad I enjoy life, I wont sit around anymore waiting.  I am going to live my last few years my way.  I may no longer be able to rally race, or mountain bike or anything else that I used to enjoy.  But I am very good at a few other things as well.  The women that will meet me will discover this out soon enough, now I am no longer tied to a single person.  I am free to do as I wish, as I have zero life expectancy who cares right?

What I feel bad about at least for a short period of time is the kids.  Poor Nick, a father that treats him like shit.  A father that signed off on papers that he does not even want to see his own son.  Yet he gets more from Christine than I do.  Strange that, he offers nothing, takes everything he can, yet he gets more than I.  A person that for the past 3 years has done everything to help both Christine and Nickie grow as people.  Poor Aidan will be hurt as Nickie and Aidan have grown close, all done now.  the kids come September will never see each other again, that ship has sailed now.

Poor Christine just does not get it at all.  Never has and never will.  And her poor son will suffer his whole life because of her shortcomings.  But no longer my concern, he is not my son, has been taught no respect and only listen to mommy.  Too bad mommy is not a father as he is being raised as a woman, he acts like it and when a man will suffer for this.

I got up today at 3 am.  Why not.  I have zero need to follow anything in life the way you people do.  I have no future, i will not see my sons wedding, his children, have anybody to care for me even on my deaths door.

I AM ALONE!!

Thank you Christine for your time.

I am very scared and hurt people.  How many of you know you are dying?  How many of you know you have to deal with your death now?  I will not see any of my plans to the end anymore.  I have no chance of seeing how my son will be when he is an adult even. And I face this alone.

Fuck you Christine.

Instead of having loving hands rubbing my back to make the pain go away a little to calm me down, I had a woman that used me to try and teach her son.  She got 3 years out of me and when the going got tough, as every other person, man or woman has done, she ran.  So now my son and I will suffer, I will have to pay people to rub my back now, more money out of Aidan’s hands.  More bitterness for him to see.

Now I no longer have to worry about even trying to pretend we have a relationship i will just be myself.  I am tired of being all nice and loving when I hear things like this. ” I am so tired from work I cant talk”  “this whole weekend is all about doing nothing I am so tired” ” Nickie and I need our rest”  Yet, and Yet, today after a week of camp, total exhaustion is all i have heard all week, guess where they are going today after a long week?  The ROM for the evening.  Yes a museum, more walking, more time downtown, and the reasons given just make me shake my head at woman think.

But this is why things are over and done now.  I am expected to believe the bullshit, the lies, the garbage.  I am supposed to have believed ” Just love me ” and ignore ” Fuck your Son”  Funny I tried even.  I tried.  Not her, me.

So a person i got to see a few times only this whole summer that expects me to wait for weeks on end for her to decide she can finally spend an hour or so and all is good.  Maybe is her world, but not in mine.  Doing this  to me is going to  force me to find other lovers, and why not, I have no mind, my body works fine. I will find women to spend my days with to talk with as poor Christine cant even do that with me anymore, she has closed so many area of conversation if we are not in bed together there is nothing to do. I have no future, and she had no desire to try for one.

So I am a single man with no future expectations, and a short time to fill out a fun bucket list before I go.

I wonder where I will begin.

Robbed

I now understand fully the violation of being robbed.  This time I am not just talking about my stolen health and mind.  I am talking about being robbed of my possessions.  I have not experienced this kind of anxiety in ages, and this could not have come at a worse time of course, but this is MY life.

I am off to a meeting in a short while to find out about my Human Rights Complaint against the ODSB here in Ontario.  It seems nobody has done anything and I may be out of time.  If so I may explode in outrage, i am worried.  But this time at my meeting for the very first time Dawn will be around, and I hope she will not be duped as I have been into believing people are actually helping me.

I have been trying to get a Human Rights complaint filed for nearly a year now since my accident.  Everybody keeps telling me I am not healthy enough to do anything, my shattered mind needs to be shut down and allowed to rest fully.  I tried in vain to get help.  I begged people to help me.  I have been thrown out of a neurologists office and told basically to fend for myself, in front of my complicated, we were stunned. Everywhere I have turned I have been left to my own to figure out my own health care, I have suffered so much as I get so confused, I am now starting to think this has been the plan, to delay as long as possible.

I am sitting here with my stomach churning in turmoil.  Trying to stay calm when so angry.

Well, I am back from the meeting now, it seems I may be in trouble still, but my reasons are solid, my brain injury may just work out in my favour for a change. From the general thoughts on the meeting I may have a decent chance.  The lawyers are kind of shocked at what I faced, and are saying they will help me the best they can.

If all I have left to do in my life is fight garbage like this and raise my son, I think i will be doing ok by me.  This cant seem like a terrible job.  If I have some sort of enjoyment for myself, i can do this.  I get to play with my son for a week on, and rest and deal with garbage a week off from my love, and that is my son.

One Step Forward, Two Back

When is enough, enough?  I sit here in tears right now, just stunned by what has just gone on in the last 24 hours.  With everything else I am dealing with I had a seizure yesterday.

What is amazing is my “head therapist” and I have so many I actually mean my therapist that deals with my mind , are working on certain things that will help us discover what is causing such rapid mood swings.  Well anyways I was talking about a highly emotional issue while lying in bed with my complicated and woke up to find her holding my head.

What happened just before that are extremely different versions of the same time frame.  From my point of view I was on one of my diatribes and my head turned and my eyes closed while I was talking away.  I made perfect sense, I am extremely intelligent after all.  What really happened is this.  My eyes did close, my head did turn, my mouth opened and closed though like a fish, not a word came out of my mouth and I was panting.  My body shut down, I could not move, if I had been standing I would have collapsed to the ground.

So being the man I am I called my physiotherapy clinic that is in charge of my recovery.  They do everything for me there.  My brain therapy, my physiotherapy, my massage therapy, my Occupational therapist, my pyscotherapist is there, my whole life these days.  All in one clinic designed for me to go to for all my very specific medical needs, set up by the insurance company.  Well I call them and let them know what happened to me, and I needed to change my appointments around so I can see my Doctor.

Well, they take my information, make the changes in the system and I am set as I am taking my son and my girlfriend and her son to a waterpark on Thursday that has been planned for months and the clinic is perfectly aware of.  The whole basis of the past 4 months or so has been for this trip.  A thank you to my son for all his efforts in putting up with dad being so ill.  Well they call me back and not only cancel my visits this week, but ban me from the clinic for any therapy period.  “It may not look good Ian if you had a seizure here”

So I am now alone again, 10% memory capacity, ruined body, a deep fear of leaving my home anymore and no therapist anymore to talk with.

The great news is, I was accepted into a Govt program to get my a scooter to get around on, further showing how badly damaged my body is.  The bad news is it will take at least 10 weeks to get the unit, so summer is over already for Aidan and myself.

I hired a fantastic person this past week to take care of all this stuff for me.  This is the same person that I used to draft up the parenting agreement.  I finally feel once she takes over I may have a fighting chance to get anything to help me.  The load off my mind has been great, as with now such limited cognitive ability  I can use any help I can get.

Now Imagine having little mind, no friends, no family, nobody to check on you but for once a week, trying to raise a 7 year old now, and have all your support cut out from your feet in a single phone call?  I am frantic right now with no clue on what to do.

This seems on the verge of criminal to me.  Everybody at that clinic is aware of how bad my health is and how badly I need the physiotherapy.  BUt I make waves, and I think this is done to get me out of the clinic now.  They have said I cant come into the clinic until I have medical clearance from my Doctor.  Well, as this is my brain we are talking about, that Doctor wont even be seen until August and that is due to the clinic not doing there job and getting me into one months ago.  I had to take care of my own medical needs as the patient, and that is something the insurance company said no way that should ever happen.

So I make waves about my money being spent improperly, staff not even with proper certification to treat me, and I get cut off from treatment that was working and very needed.  3 days before a long planned with the clinics aid  vacation.  This is unreal I am now forced to go away without any form of treatments for over a week.  I refuse to allow this to ruin my sons trip, but I already has mine as I know I cant slide at all.  The physio was counted on to make all this work.  Thank god I have my Scottish forsite and saw this happening and made sure I have somebody to help me and her son to play with Aidan.  I seem to always know when to plan for the worst, thank god I listen.

Now I wait, the guy with the severe brain injury and no patience.  This should be interesting, I wonder what will happen this time, another arrest?  Who knows.  I know this though, I wont be leaving my home at all anymore unless I must or I have somebody with me to deal with a world that had gone totally lunatic.

Once Insane, Got No Brain

Well how to begin telling people that your brain is busted for good, broken down and no longer working right.  To be honest, with all I have faced it is done very bluntly and usually of late done with a lot of yelling.

As some of you know, and those that don’t go read my earlier material, I have suffered greatly.  I got some tests results back a couple weeks ago that has left me scrambling for help long term.  My brain is now confirmed mush, a part of it has been destroyed, and my memory now functions at about 10%.

I am now forced to deal with being old, slow and stupid.  I may not be actually stupid, in all honesty I am very highly intelligent, but the way my brain works now it makes me look it.  I have a difficult time pulling words from my mind and using them, I can write, but I have trouble speaking sometimes.  When agitated and this usually happens simply because the people I am forced to deal with are idiots.  the discriminate against me more often than not, in fact so much I have finally decided to hire somebody to just deal with all my lawsuits now.  I no longer even tell people how upset they have made me, I just fire off another legal matter.  I am now using the system to pay for my life and my sons life.

Yes, I am now becoming a cottage industry, piss me off, you have been served.  I am meeting with a lawyer this week to talk to them about running all this for me.  I can no longer keep up with all the action I have going.  I figure with how people treat me and the laws in Canada I can make a fortune, and I will, for Aidan.

I was told I had to show my ID to just hand in my change of information on my Disability parking pass, I have to assume this is because I walked up to the front of the line as is my right.  But the person did not like that, they demanded photo ID before they would serve me.  42 years driving and never once have I had to show ID, none of my friends with their Disability passes have had to show ID, just me.  I said nothing, but went home and filed a formal complaint with the Govt.  Told them I am suing them already on multiple fronts, and here is another.  All I had to do was hand in the paperwork, they did not need to do anything at all.

I am told that after waiting since October for a highly special DR to see me, that nobody had actually even tried to find one.  So 10 months after my car accident I am still not even been seen by a single DR that can help me.  I have been told this past week that it will take 10 months to get me into a very specialized brain injury care program.  So that gem will be now 2 years after my accident, and I am a single father desperately trying to raise my 7 year old son with ZERO HELP.

My taxes got messed up, the Canada revenue agency agrees their fault, but it will take them 24 weeks to fix the issue, we are sorry.  Well holy shit, all that money would have been nice for Aidan to have anything this summer.  The Family Responsibility Office totally messed up the final court order, they cut off my child support.  They are so stupid they actually argued with both myself and my ex wife that fully agrees with me and that she owes me a huge pile more money.  Well SIR, that is not OUR fault and it will take time to fix, no we dont know how long.  So no money there either.  The Ontario Govt has cut me support money because the Family Responsibility Office called them to tell them that this must be done.  No money there either, and they refuse to fix that.

So I have no money, no way to pay my rent, put food on my table, put my son into any summer program as all low levels of Govt require the Tax information I cant show them.  So Aidan is now forced to go to my physiotherapy daily, massage, gym time as I simply have no money to do a damn thing for him.  Once my line of credit is maxed out I declare bankruptcy and that will be it.  If any of the monies that we expect from all the legal matters comes in I get to have a home, if not, well, I wont live on the streets.

I still suffer daily from terrible post concussion symptoms, I am stressed out to the point I do not ever leave my home without an escort even if it my son, as I am a bit unpredictable with people that misunderstand the depth of my injuries.  I have been in jail once and do not wish to go there again.  The water park that offered to help my son and me for his Birthday this year backed out said no, and I still intend to deal with them in some way.  I am still trying to get a mobility device so I dont have to walk anymore, but man do people discriminate even in the medical field.  I have a Govt OT coming this week to my home to see me, see what happens there.

The only true great thing I have going in my life is my son, he tries so hard, rarely gets upset with me, does everything he can to help me well beyond his years.  Yes I am sure my complicated girlfriend will not be happy when she reads this, but she is called the complicated GF for a very good reason.

I am sure I have missed much, my brutal memory is fine with that now, I no longer care to try. I am sure the Cypress Hill would have a good chuckle on my use of their song lyrics, but having no brain is how I now feel.  Society has gotten so stupid that having any higher functions that sets you as different makes you a total outcaste, and now I am finding out those close to me really do not share my concepts on life and values, and that is causing me to really rethink the purpose of sharing my life with others anymore.