One Step Forward, Two Back

When is enough, enough?  I sit here in tears right now, just stunned by what has just gone on in the last 24 hours.  With everything else I am dealing with I had a seizure yesterday.

What is amazing is my “head therapist” and I have so many I actually mean my therapist that deals with my mind , are working on certain things that will help us discover what is causing such rapid mood swings.  Well anyways I was talking about a highly emotional issue while lying in bed with my complicated and woke up to find her holding my head.

What happened just before that are extremely different versions of the same time frame.  From my point of view I was on one of my diatribes and my head turned and my eyes closed while I was talking away.  I made perfect sense, I am extremely intelligent after all.  What really happened is this.  My eyes did close, my head did turn, my mouth opened and closed though like a fish, not a word came out of my mouth and I was panting.  My body shut down, I could not move, if I had been standing I would have collapsed to the ground.

So being the man I am I called my physiotherapy clinic that is in charge of my recovery.  They do everything for me there.  My brain therapy, my physiotherapy, my massage therapy, my Occupational therapist, my pyscotherapist is there, my whole life these days.  All in one clinic designed for me to go to for all my very specific medical needs, set up by the insurance company.  Well I call them and let them know what happened to me, and I needed to change my appointments around so I can see my Doctor.

Well, they take my information, make the changes in the system and I am set as I am taking my son and my girlfriend and her son to a waterpark on Thursday that has been planned for months and the clinic is perfectly aware of.  The whole basis of the past 4 months or so has been for this trip.  A thank you to my son for all his efforts in putting up with dad being so ill.  Well they call me back and not only cancel my visits this week, but ban me from the clinic for any therapy period.  “It may not look good Ian if you had a seizure here”

So I am now alone again, 10% memory capacity, ruined body, a deep fear of leaving my home anymore and no therapist anymore to talk with.

The great news is, I was accepted into a Govt program to get my a scooter to get around on, further showing how badly damaged my body is.  The bad news is it will take at least 10 weeks to get the unit, so summer is over already for Aidan and myself.

I hired a fantastic person this past week to take care of all this stuff for me.  This is the same person that I used to draft up the parenting agreement.  I finally feel once she takes over I may have a fighting chance to get anything to help me.  The load off my mind has been great, as with now such limited cognitive ability  I can use any help I can get.

Now Imagine having little mind, no friends, no family, nobody to check on you but for once a week, trying to raise a 7 year old now, and have all your support cut out from your feet in a single phone call?  I am frantic right now with no clue on what to do.

This seems on the verge of criminal to me.  Everybody at that clinic is aware of how bad my health is and how badly I need the physiotherapy.  BUt I make waves, and I think this is done to get me out of the clinic now.  They have said I cant come into the clinic until I have medical clearance from my Doctor.  Well, as this is my brain we are talking about, that Doctor wont even be seen until August and that is due to the clinic not doing there job and getting me into one months ago.  I had to take care of my own medical needs as the patient, and that is something the insurance company said no way that should ever happen.

So I make waves about my money being spent improperly, staff not even with proper certification to treat me, and I get cut off from treatment that was working and very needed.  3 days before a long planned with the clinics aid  vacation.  This is unreal I am now forced to go away without any form of treatments for over a week.  I refuse to allow this to ruin my sons trip, but I already has mine as I know I cant slide at all.  The physio was counted on to make all this work.  Thank god I have my Scottish forsite and saw this happening and made sure I have somebody to help me and her son to play with Aidan.  I seem to always know when to plan for the worst, thank god I listen.

Now I wait, the guy with the severe brain injury and no patience.  This should be interesting, I wonder what will happen this time, another arrest?  Who knows.  I know this though, I wont be leaving my home at all anymore unless I must or I have somebody with me to deal with a world that had gone totally lunatic.

Once Insane, Got No Brain

Well how to begin telling people that your brain is busted for good, broken down and no longer working right.  To be honest, with all I have faced it is done very bluntly and usually of late done with a lot of yelling.

As some of you know, and those that don’t go read my earlier material, I have suffered greatly.  I got some tests results back a couple weeks ago that has left me scrambling for help long term.  My brain is now confirmed mush, a part of it has been destroyed, and my memory now functions at about 10%.

I am now forced to deal with being old, slow and stupid.  I may not be actually stupid, in all honesty I am very highly intelligent, but the way my brain works now it makes me look it.  I have a difficult time pulling words from my mind and using them, I can write, but I have trouble speaking sometimes.  When agitated and this usually happens simply because the people I am forced to deal with are idiots.  the discriminate against me more often than not, in fact so much I have finally decided to hire somebody to just deal with all my lawsuits now.  I no longer even tell people how upset they have made me, I just fire off another legal matter.  I am now using the system to pay for my life and my sons life.

Yes, I am now becoming a cottage industry, piss me off, you have been served.  I am meeting with a lawyer this week to talk to them about running all this for me.  I can no longer keep up with all the action I have going.  I figure with how people treat me and the laws in Canada I can make a fortune, and I will, for Aidan.

I was told I had to show my ID to just hand in my change of information on my Disability parking pass, I have to assume this is because I walked up to the front of the line as is my right.  But the person did not like that, they demanded photo ID before they would serve me.  42 years driving and never once have I had to show ID, none of my friends with their Disability passes have had to show ID, just me.  I said nothing, but went home and filed a formal complaint with the Govt.  Told them I am suing them already on multiple fronts, and here is another.  All I had to do was hand in the paperwork, they did not need to do anything at all.

I am told that after waiting since October for a highly special DR to see me, that nobody had actually even tried to find one.  So 10 months after my car accident I am still not even been seen by a single DR that can help me.  I have been told this past week that it will take 10 months to get me into a very specialized brain injury care program.  So that gem will be now 2 years after my accident, and I am a single father desperately trying to raise my 7 year old son with ZERO HELP.

My taxes got messed up, the Canada revenue agency agrees their fault, but it will take them 24 weeks to fix the issue, we are sorry.  Well holy shit, all that money would have been nice for Aidan to have anything this summer.  The Family Responsibility Office totally messed up the final court order, they cut off my child support.  They are so stupid they actually argued with both myself and my ex wife that fully agrees with me and that she owes me a huge pile more money.  Well SIR, that is not OUR fault and it will take time to fix, no we dont know how long.  So no money there either.  The Ontario Govt has cut me support money because the Family Responsibility Office called them to tell them that this must be done.  No money there either, and they refuse to fix that.

So I have no money, no way to pay my rent, put food on my table, put my son into any summer program as all low levels of Govt require the Tax information I cant show them.  So Aidan is now forced to go to my physiotherapy daily, massage, gym time as I simply have no money to do a damn thing for him.  Once my line of credit is maxed out I declare bankruptcy and that will be it.  If any of the monies that we expect from all the legal matters comes in I get to have a home, if not, well, I wont live on the streets.

I still suffer daily from terrible post concussion symptoms, I am stressed out to the point I do not ever leave my home without an escort even if it my son, as I am a bit unpredictable with people that misunderstand the depth of my injuries.  I have been in jail once and do not wish to go there again.  The water park that offered to help my son and me for his Birthday this year backed out said no, and I still intend to deal with them in some way.  I am still trying to get a mobility device so I dont have to walk anymore, but man do people discriminate even in the medical field.  I have a Govt OT coming this week to my home to see me, see what happens there.

The only true great thing I have going in my life is my son, he tries so hard, rarely gets upset with me, does everything he can to help me well beyond his years.  Yes I am sure my complicated girlfriend will not be happy when she reads this, but she is called the complicated GF for a very good reason.

I am sure I have missed much, my brutal memory is fine with that now, I no longer care to try. I am sure the Cypress Hill would have a good chuckle on my use of their song lyrics, but having no brain is how I now feel.  Society has gotten so stupid that having any higher functions that sets you as different makes you a total outcaste, and now I am finding out those close to me really do not share my concepts on life and values, and that is causing me to really rethink the purpose of sharing my life with others anymore.


401 Toronto Scouts Troop

My son has started his journey in the Scouts program.  He is the 4th generation to have done so.  My grandfather started back in Scotland I guess before the true Scouts program began, but the exact same concept none the less.   The point of this is to show we are a true Scouts family.  Multiple generations all involved with the same program to teach young boys and now young girls the important life lessons and values that a true Scout holds dear.

At least that was what I had hoped to do when I enrolled Aidan into the start point Beavers this year, Troop 401 of Toronto.  We live right on the Toronto Mississauga border so this was a choice because of the times only.  My ex wife lives in that area, and I will be moving there in the next year, so making this ideal for all.

Now as many of you may know, I have been disabled since 2009, an accumulation of 25 years worth of horrific injuries all catching up with me and rendering me unable to do much of anything anymore.  In August of 2016 my son Aidan and I got  t-boned and I have suffered terribly since with a Traumatic Brain Injury that has left me with virtually no memories of who I am, who my son is and more importantly, a hair trigger temper I never had before.  Never mind the new pain levels that have left me throwing up with pain and passing out.

Since this last accident I have learned to walk again, learned who my son is again, learned who I am again, I am still learning to control my temper, I now stay indoors by myself unless I have somebody with me, or I am in a nature setting.

Aidan asked me to join him for his first Scouts outing, a shore line clean up.  I love my Scouts, and I love my nature, I said sure.  How could things go wrong, it is a Boy Scout event, safe, pain I can deal with.

It takes me nearly an hour now to get dressed, this was a cold spring day in Canada, so many layers and my North Face outerwear the outfit that has a total cost to me of nearly 2500$.  I spend more on my outdoor gear than I do on my car.  Now the total time it took me to get there was 2 hours, I got to the public park a little early so I could get the parking spot I needed.  I know the park well, I have taken Aidan there since he was a toddler, I knew where the cleanup would take place as I am smart, with the amount of time expected I knew I could not walk much once the program finished.

Now Aidan shows up and we go off to play as we have always done at this park.  We were early, so where was the harm, right?  One of the Scout leaders comes over and tells me to move my car.

I asked him if he was actually talking to me, the owner of the car parked with the handicap parking pass plastered all over the front window of my car.  HE actually said he was.  Told me I was in the Scouts way and needed to move the car right away.  I explained first off I am disabled and the have a right to park anywhere I need, this is a public park, and ummm, I am DISABLED!!

Now when I was young, and my father was young and grandfather the same, all young men going through the Scouts program we dropped what we had in our hands to help those  in need.  Helped the little old ladies across the road, took groceries to their cars.  We never once told somebody in need to get out of our way.  Never once told anybody in need we are a pain and want us to leave.

Now with smartphones and the ability to capture these idiots in action shows how the Scouts program has changed so much.  After the confrontation with the Scout leader that left me unable to walk, shaking so bad I was forced to go home and stay off my legs.  Yes, I had to leave my son who watched all in horror, his friends in the program, all watching this in horror.  I now have the tail end of this confrontation and once I figure out how this works will post on Youtube.

Why?  I am supposed to love my Scouts.  Well I do, but the Scouts of today are not the Scouts of yesteryear. I reached out to Scouts Canada.  Spoke with their top directors about what happened, the same day the incident took place even.  I was told that they are in shock, this could not have happened, and they are sorry.  They will have the 401 Toronto Troop leadership apologize to Aidan in person and to me in writing as I plan on framing this and putting it up on my walls with all the others.

3 weeks later, tonight in fact being the 4th week since the incident, no apology to Aidan in person, and the letter I got from Scouts Canada has not only my name spelled wrong, but Aidan’s name spelled wrong.  It was not a letter of apology but a letter of excuses as to how this was really my fault and not the Scouts.  They tried to tell me my parked car was a danger to the children, yet their cars parked right beside mine were not.

No, the Scouts of today are a disgrace, when I taught Scuba Diving at the Girl Guides World Jamboree 30 years ago here in Canada I thought it amazing.  The future looked bright, the kids I met amazing, and Scouting’s future looked solid.  Now I will post for all to see just how low the Scouts levels have dropped.  For this I am in shame as this was not my Scouts of my day, but yet another example of the rot society is facing.


Cognitive Overload

Some of you may notice but most will not have but I have not written in the last couple of months.  I have been shut down by my brain therapist fully.  Sworn to silence at home with my son and everywhere else.  So this is the first time I have even looked at my site since the order was given.

Today I have something short I will share as this is the type of thing that just gets under my skin and stirs my battle juices.  Plus my mind is just no longer able to accept this type of situation quietly anymore.

In February when the shut down order was given I had contacted the Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls Ontario Canada to book a special event for my son, myself and my very complicated girlfriend’s son who also shares a birthday with my own son.  I had explained to them the situation I faced and asked them for help in making my sons Birthday this year a special event as he has missed this last year due to the extent of my injuries.

They said sure thing, we can make this work for you, contact us and we will do what we can to help out.  I thought great, this is taken care of, I can now focus on recovery.

Now I have contacted the Great Wolf Lodge to give them the day I was able to come up with as the trip is highly complicated as they were made aware of.  They have notified me that the day in question is a busy day (Thursday June 8th ) and they can only give the high end rates or we could move the months of planning, months of brutal recovery, months of my son suffering and watching me suffer, to another day when it will cost them less money to help me out.

This is a Family Water Park, they stress the focus on family.  In fact it is screw the family, screw the injured, screw the disabled, screw the children that were told their months of suffering will be worth it in the end as you have been told you will be able to go.

The almighty bottom line strikes again ala the Airline that bumps Doctors by dragging them off planes, Air Canada that bumps a child off a year in planning vacation as they over booked.

Corporate greed in full swing.

The 1% taking further from those with nothing.

As the Great Wolf Lodge would say, have a Great Wolf Day, and we will as another water park has stepped up and taken care of us to the best of their ability.  I now have to walk across a road to get to the park we are going to, but at least the children will have their trip on their birthdays. I have to say thank you to my very complicated Girlfriend for her help on making this happen, as without her taking over and making the effort to contact others parks the trip would not have taken off.

A father’s work is just never done.

Solitary Confinement

I took Aidan out of school the other day so he could hear first hand from my therapists how my recovery was going.  I already knew what they were going to say, this was all staged for Aidan so he could hear it first hand, and not think dad was making things up.

The news was far from good, in fact so far the reaction has been horror at what we both face now for the next three months of our lives.  I as of today chart everything I am doing down to the minute.  From first morning pee to last night pee before bed, and everything I do between.  This will be done until my full range of activities is known and then charted so I can find out what I am allowed to do and not allowed anymore.

My understanding of my new life is something like this.  I get a certain amount of credits on the day, this will depend on the accuracy of my days activities and how I feel, symptoms must be reported ASAP for accuracy.  I of course can cheat, but the hope is the symptoms will stop, not just be tolerable.  I am cranky, unhappy, and annoyed some people are telling me to live with this and learn to cope.  I have hope I can fully recover and be a better person to all.  Once this begins a phone call could cost me a token out of say fifty, more if the call is difficult on my brain.  Anything I do will cost me tokens, once the tokens run out, so is my day.

Right now if I am totally honest, I can’t make ten minutes.  I have all along been trying to cope, to learn to suffer the pain.  But I can’t with my brain.  Without my brain working properly I can’t cope with the pain in my body.  This of course is intolerable pain that requires an iron will to keep under control.  To be very nice about this, I am not a very pleasant person when I can’t control my body pain, and if my mind is hurting this leads to me being mean and irritable and basically an asshole.

I deserve better, my son Aidan deserves better.  For those that feel I should learn to cope and deal with this, I am sorry you may have done this.  I am sorry if you never recovered and deal with a non working brain, I will do as I need.  My son and I can deal with this until the spring when I will make further decisions.  I know what I need to do, and if a phone call is three minutes then that is what it will be.  If I am forced to explain myself for those three minutes then that is our call.  People will learn to use their time wise, or just not to call me.  If I need to save credits to play with Aidan, I will.  I will not use my credits to talk nonsense on the phone at all.  Goodbye, talk later.  Many have been told already to not call me until June.

I was forced to choose what I define myself as to use this as my baseline for my recovery.  I chose being a dad to Aidan.    Now everything my therapists and I do will be around this concept, what I need to do for Aidan, I will cut time and credits from all other areas to compensate for Aidan time.  So I can teach him as I have always done, in a fun filled calm learning environment.  This is not his fault I am injured and hurt, so he will suffer the least.  Adults in my life will suffer the most, they can afford the losses or should be able to at this point in their lives.

I would expect my posts will be cut heavily to the point I stop as soon as the first spike hits my brain.  This type of brain usage is being frowned upon, but as it helps me clear my mind I will use some credits to this and allow a freer mind for recovery.

So here I sit now, for the next three months not allowed to live my way.  This is not going to be easy at all.  But I feel that three months is nothing compared to a lifetime of headaches and being a dick to those I love.  If I can do anything to change that outcome, it is my duty to do so, my son and I deserve this, and those that may wish to spend time in our lives also deserve a chance so need to understand this now.  Or sadly lose their credits as it is not worth my recovery time to deal with silliness.

Thank you for reading I am taking up your life credits I appreciate this time.

Scouts Start Today

Today is the day that Aidan starts his Scouts journey.  I am thrilled that this is going to start now, I went through the program over forty years ago and Aidan’s journey begins tonight.  We hope.  Today we have a freezing rain storm, all school busses are cancelled, the major part of the storm is set to hit a couple hours before Scouts start so just enough time to put a good layer of ice on the roads.

So now we have to wait to see if the program will be cancelled or run.  I can hear the wind howling outside as I write at my desk.  After I finish writing I am going out to walk to the market to buy some chicken for a stir fry.  I will take the forest path along the creek, the place where Aidan and I encountered the three coyotes a month or so back during a major snowstorm. I can see first hand early how the weather really is, I have never understood how the people that predict weather still hold jobs, 95% wrong, and still get the big bucks.  Wish I had that protection when I was working.

I have my brain physiotherapy later this afternoon my times were changed on me, not to my liking but it is life.  I will walk to that as well during the height of the storm, that will give me a really good idea how bad the ice build up will be.  They may salt the roads, but they won’t the sidewalks.  This will be a huge test for my brain to be honest, some of the stuff I do at home makes Aidan laugh at how easy it is, but for me it causes major headaches, nausea at times and causes me to lose my balance. So this will be a totally live action test.

All through this day I also get to think about driving in this storm if Scouts is a go.  Normally I would love this, my rally driving days are over for now, and I am kind of nervous of driving in bad conditions.  This will make you laugh I think especially once I get my youtube site going where I have been told last night I can link up my videos to that site so you can all see the action as I have been describing.  I have hundreds if not thousands of videos of Aidan and myself from the past, some are downright scary.  Anyways, it seems it is possible for me to finally show this as I have said I wanted to do.

Well I have some really good video of me driving some back roads on about a six inch layer of snow and ice doing 100+ kms, some astonishing video and more so when you see it at night.  But that was before getting T-boned and the Traumatic Brain Injury, post concussion syndrome, and of course the screaming pain that never leaves my side.  I am totally unable to take any medication that can help, I am allergic to virtually everything man made.

Now I am sure from what I think is my past experience I am going to be perfectly fine once the car is in motion.  I may not drift anymore, no more jumps or hairpin turns using a handbrake. but I think I can handle picking up my son and ex wife and taking us all to his first day of Scouts.  I think this will be very special for him, and I can’t allow my groundless fears and self doubts ruin his day, as long as it is running , I need to get him there.  That is my duty as long as it is safe to do so.

Well, I think I have a busy day ahead, certainly a long day, with the amount of breaks I will need I am thinking I am running out of time already.  To make matters worse, I am suffering from symptoms already and will be forced to shut myself down for a while to try and clear the headache away, otherwise this day will be rather gruelling indeed.  I have begun my stretching routine, that is a couple hours as well all blended in with everything else I am forced to do as a single parent that is disabled and learning to live again while raising an exceptional child.

Thank you so much for all your likes and comments, I am so pleased to say I have just hit 1000+ views and I am thrilled.  I really do not remember what I thought when I started all this a few months ago, but as of me writing this right now, I can say I am fairly proud of myself and how much I have adapted to this new challenging way of life.  I would again really like to say thank you for all of your time and encouragement in Aidan’s and my journey.  Have a fun day.

Mind Vomitus

Aidan has gone to his mother’s for the next two days.  I am using this time to really reflect on how things are going between us right now.  I feel both of us are a little afraid of what has happened, neither can fully express our feelings properly.  I sense both of us know there is a change between us now.   Neither sure what exactly to do about it, both willing to do anything possible.

I at times take time to really reflect on the days Aidan and I have just spent together, especially when there has been crying involved.  There of course is nothing wrong with crying, but since the brain injury I am unable to stop it at any mushy moment, it is getting a little weird to say the least.  Probably something broken in the accident as well and Aidan usually does not cry either so when both do, something is wrong.

I find myself far less patient with him the past few months.  It is of course not his fault, he is six of course.  He is allowed a few mistakes, yes a joke indeed.  These days I feel safer making sure everybody knows that fact, I seem to get into too much trouble of late.

I think Aidan is afraid the old dad is gone for good, the old dad before the accident.  Aidan has seen me with broken bones, terrible cuts from mountain biking through the creek cliff trails with those eighty foot drops to the rocks in the running creek below.  The place Aidan and I are mapping out for the perfect site for our treehouse we are planning on building together hopefully starting this spring, summer.  No this injury is very different, this one is changing dad to more of a drill sergeant at times.

And that is one of the problems and that is not me with him at all.  At times I may bark, but I am usually very calm and explaining of things, now I am a little more prone to barking faster, and I don’t think either one of us likes this change in me.  It is not even that he has been trouble, he almost never is with me. I go by a simple rule, if nobody at the school speaks with me about Aidan, everything is perfect, I know if there is a problem at school, Aidan would tell me, otherwise he is to take care of the issue himself.  When I ask him how his day has been and he says great, it has been.

Well, I am sure of one thing, we together will fix the problem, or if not fix it, make some sort of compromise that we can let go of the past and enjoy the future together in a new way.

And that sounded so nice in my mind, I will apply this to my Sunshine as well that last paragraph, and when you read this, I would like to hear your comment 🙂

Here I am at about five hundred words now the halfway point.  This is my second post today and I am going to stop now.  My head is starting to pound brutally and I am going to shut things down now and do as I have been trained to do now for my own health.

Thanks for reading, I will write again when I feel better another day now.

My Gift To My Son

Depending on who you actually talk with, people will either think I am a complete moron or a genius.   At times I am not sure which group is the correct group.  I do know that when it comes to my son I am usually spot on correct or was until the brain injury occurred.  Now even I am wondering if anything I am doing is correct.  But hey, this is about Aidan, not me.

I know I got things totally right before the accident especially when Aidan was just born. I knew before he was born that I would first off have to do the exact opposite of what my parents did with me, that of course was a great move on my part.

I quickly realized he was a very special child, and yes I know, every parent says the same thing as I am now.  I guess the difference is, I had many people telling me just how special he really was, lots of Doctors, child care experts, and anybody that had any idea of children in general realized he was very different from other children his age.  What made me so smart was my recognizing I needed help to foster what gift he had, as I knew I did not know anything about children at that time.

Just a couple of examples for you to understand my thinking here, first off, he spoke 2 words by the time he was 4 months old, yes 4 months old.  I do have plenty of video of this for those that refuse to believe, I have had to show those videos, nobody doubted me afterwards.  By 6 months I was teaching him sign language so he could tell me what he wanted.  I honestly could not stand the crying, so I taught him how to sign for milk.  How to sign for more milk and enough milk.  He learned to tell me when he wanted to sleep, when he had enough play, many other cool things most 6 month olds could not do.

This got us into the language labs at the University of Toronto, they wanted to study my boy for themselves.  By this time I had a solid team of child care experts working with me to teach him everything we could.  They still follow him today, not as much now, in fact many want me to slow things down with Aidan, give his teachers a break.  He tested at a grade 3 level before starting JR kindergarten.

The day he learned to stand on his own 2 feet was the day he started to learn about balance, as a former hockey player I would body check him, yes lightly people, but enough to make him stagger, but he rapidly learned to keep his balance.  This of course led to his future daredevil attitude, and man even now I cringe at what he tries to do.  But I taught him he is allowed to try basically anything he wished as long as it meets my safety measures.  You want to jump off the roof Aidan, no problem, make sure there is a soft landing.  We did when we were young, I saw no reason to say no.

I get so annoyed listening to parents complaining about their children and their terrible 2’s and 3’s.  Personally I loved those days, compared to talking to adults, I thought the conversations fun, and when you look through the eyes of a child, enlightening.  In fact I have little regard for most parents, so many say they do everything for their children, and they do, but their children never learn anything as everything is done for them.  I do not really think that is solid parenting, but that is my point of view, and why today at the age of 6, I am looking for kids 10+ to actually be able to play with my son.  Physically and mentally he is just ahead.

I call it my gift.  Likely the only thing I can give my son, a huge advantage in life, the ability to think for himself, act for himself, deal with life himself.  I fully allow him to fall flat on his face when possible, it just happens very rare.  I make sure he is humble, well spoken, and kind to everybody.  He knows full well that when dad is not happy, his few toys I actually allow are given to children that have even less than we do.  I make Aidan take his toys to places like Goodwill or Value Villages, and hand them over so he can learn valuable lessons.  He never makes the same mistake a second time.  Cruel eh.

I have no money, no health, and now almost no memory, so I teach him languages, math, the love of the outdoors, tracking and survival, I teach him that no single religion is correct as almost all religions actually teach you to exclude those not in your religious group.  Personally I feel this totally wrong, and I teach him to be spiritual, and include everybody until they prove they can’t be trusted, again I feel this a more fair system.  Everybody in life has value, and you can learn from them, sometimes lessons can be hard, by teaching my son how to gauge others early he again will be further ahead when he is a man.

As I have no desire at all to push him towards any future employment, he learns everything.  My only requirement from him is that he tries his very best at anything and everything he does.  Again, many of you may think I am totally mean, but hey, that applies to fun, games, practical jokes so our home we have created is, well lively to say the least.  I have bowls of chocolate bars he can have anytime he wants, cookies, ice cream, pops of all sorts, anything a child would love, I offer to him without any questions of how many, eat what you want son.  HE always asks for Broccoli or Cauliflower  first before any junk food.  Hey dad, I ate a plate of Brocs for second breakfast, may I have chips now?  Of course you may, you have eaten the good foods first as I have asked, eat anything you want after, I don’t care.

I will soon start posting some of the pictures from the last few weeks events we have been involved in.  Needless to say he was the only child able to complete the courses I had him at, and when the owners of these places found out he was only 6 they all came to watch him in action.  I have some great video that I am unable to put up here as I have no money to pay for that privilege, but he was able to climb a circular set of pillars that rose in height to about 30 feet off the ground, and when you reach to top, you just jump off and let the ropes take you down slow.  I am not sure I would do that now, but he did it while laughing as he did the rock climbs as well.  No one other child was able to do it period.

My life is for my son.  My life for me no longer matters, my health will never get better, in fact I am likely in a mobility device within the next few months.  That will be nicer in fact, then I won’t have to hurt myself so bad to actually get to where we want to play, I can save the energy for the play only.  The pain that will cause is nothing new to me, so I don’t worry about it.  The losing the ability to walk does bother me a lot.  As I want to play as well, I feel leading by example will further teach my son, and I am all about teaching my son everything I possibly can.

This is My Gift to him.


Life As A Single Father

Being a single parent is not an easy life.  Male or Female.  Being a single disabled male parent I think personally is much harder.  Not one parent at school gives a hoot.  A mom gets sick the others take care of her and their child….my son and I get well, nothing.  Not even a hello how are you two doing.  Nothing.

I find that I am an excellent father, nobody but other parents say anything different.  Child care professionals feel how I am raising my son is fantastic, they expect Aidan to be head and shoulders above all children his age and above most well above his age range.  This in fact is where I run and my son runs into trouble.  Everybody that knows my son knows he is head and shoulders above their child.  Jealousy is rampant..

But I have firmly decided now that I am not able to find a partner worthy of me.  I AM ill, and I will never be better.  So if anybody wants to be apart of my sons life and mine they better respect this, and so far not one has the respect I demand.  Not even close in fact.  I try, I try and explain what I need, not want, need.  There is a huge difference here.

I am tired of repeating myself over and over again, it just hurts my head.  So why do it.  I think that if your tell a person numerous times to not do things that drive you nuts, and they continue to do these things, they do not care about you.  So what do you do when you realize this fact?  You cut them out like a cancer.

Let them go figure out life on their own.  Nothing more for me to do there.  I have a child already, I do not want 2 more, especially when one of them is in their 40’s.

So now I am going forward alone.

Today is February 1 2017.  I am alone now with my son and not a care in the world for another person.  Nobody else deserves my time anymore.  I am through trying to explain how my health needs can’t deal with a woman’s silliness.  I do not care how you think my son should be raised.  That is not your concern, I did not ask your advice.  I expect to be dead around the time my son becomes a man.  I need him to be able to stand on his own two feet.  I will not allow my child to live in my home past manhood.  That is my time.  I will go away to die in a foreign country far away from everybody I know.  Die in peace.

I want to die enjoying the last few things I can, I love to travel and will do so, hopefully dying on some mountain somewhere.  Nice selfie Ian….But that is my plan.  I have travelled alone all my life, all over the world in fact.  I had hoped to do my last trips with a person I loved, but I won’t if I have to put up with BS.  I rather die alone and happy, than with a person that drives me nuts and death would be a blessing instead.

The only thing that scares me about my plan is missing my son.  Anybody else I could easily turn my back on, nobody is worth my efforts anymore, just my son, and he will always have it.  Maybe I can convince him in due time to go on a backpacking trip with the old man when he is 18.  Now that would be a trip I would love to do, take him to places I have seen, show him how to live in the desert, how to survive.  I did this for several years, outback in Australia, I stayed in a ravine, the only water anywhere around, you had to make sure you left the water once you took your water, every animal in the area came along for water, lots of snakes.

I have lived in the jungles of Central America, great life there, but man did I discover how bad you hurt when stung by scorpions and bitten by  poisonous spiders.  My poor testicles still cringe when I think of that horror show sting.  Yes guys, it hurts far far worse than you could ever imagine.

But that is years away, today I get my son.  In fact I leave in about 30 minutes to go get him.  Today is Whopper Wednesday at Burger King.  We have done this as our thing for over 2 years now, we may not love the food anymore, but we both love going there together, as we are always happy together.   I think if he is not too tired I will take him to play in the park after, it is cold and snowy.  Perfect park weather in my eyes.  Not a soul will be there but us.  So we can do as we wish with the equipment without worry another child may try to copy Aidan and hurt themselves.  Aidan got his whole Kindergarten banned from the monkey bars a couple years ago, the other children would get badly hurt trying to do the things my son does with ease.

His mother and I have now decided to get him into team sports, we hope in this way Aidan can finally find somebody better than him at something.  Right now it is children twice his age that just beat him now.  It used to be that would knock him off his high horse, but now he is actually better than I am at almost everything we do together.  So I need another child to knock him down a bit.  Hopefully once his Karate starts this may put him in a better place as he may not be the best….sadly knowing Aidan he soon will be though.

All I know is this.  I am ok without a life partner, I am ok with only my son.  I rather be happy with only him than be miserable trying to deal with people that have zero respect for me and my needs.  It has taken a long time and much help from professionals to come to this conclusion.  But I have, and I will no longer spend a minute repeating myself to an adult that should know better.  If you need to treat me poorly to make yourself feel better, move along please.  I don’t want you anymore.

Anyway, today is the first day of my new life as a totally single parent.  I am done trying to teach adults how to act, tired of their abuses.  You want in my life?  Go get the help you need.  It will no longer come from me, my head hurts and you should know better than to hurt me further.  I have done enough teaching for people not my son.  Grow up and get your  life in order without my help now.  I can no longer plead and beg I am filled with too much pride to do this further.

Thanks for reading, I hope others can see the abuses they face and deal with it in the same manner I have chosen.

The Final Chance Ever.

To those that want to share a life with me, heed this final warning to you all.  I am no longer going to put up with your garbage.  I will no longer accept being hung up on so you can go pick up your son from school when he has a bus to ride.  I will no longer accept getting a text many hours after the fact saying, I am going to bed, talk another day.


This is how I am going to handle this garbage now.  Your calls are on ignore, I don’t hear your texts anymore.  I will call you only when my son is not with me.

You have blown your very last chance with me with your antics, you do not wish to listen, hear your own cries of loneliness instead.  My ears are closed now.  I no longer care.  You have picked and I have made my choices.

I told you before I felt you were not material I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Your actions of late again show you do not either want to spend a lifetime with me.  Fair enough.

But I will no longer sit around waiting to talk, that is done.  If I have anything to do for my son I will totally ignore you until he has left back to his mother’s.  I get Aidan 2 weeks a month, your son is with you 7 days a week.  I am the one forced to budge so your darling son has no issues.  Ok, fair.  The counter to your actions is this though.  Neither myself nor my son will ever go out of our way for you or your son again.

My suggestion is, go find another man to deal with your shit.  I now will just ignore you as you do me and my son.  There will no longer be any doing things so your JR feels more at ease, forget him, only my son counts to me.  Only my boys needs, and my needs.  You have given up all your rights with us.

The next time you want to talk or hear my voice or share my comforts.  Send in a request form stating the time you are looking for, the actions you wish to have done and just how this can possible benefit me.  I say this simple because I do not need you anymore to find a bed partner.  So unless you can convince me to play, I am out.  I am not a whore to be brought over when you want some love.  I won’t be that whore.

You are getting paid to help me with paperwork.  That is it, your are basically just staff to me now.  I just no longer want to deal with a person that refuses to learn.

So for me this is the last time I will write here about you sunshine.  After this post you no longer exist in my writing world.  This will be only about my son and myself as you do not wish to be a part of our lives, you can stay out.  For good.

I have tried over and over.  I took the courts on the chin for you, and I still get treated like shit.  Fair enough.  We are over.  There is nothing left.  friends to help on occasion only, once in awhile get together.  But I do not think I ever wish to make plans with you and your son again.  You two enjoy camping together, my son and I won’t be there with you.

I have not seen enough from you nor do I expect to see any trying again.  You are not capable of change.

Short work today, thank you for reading, most of my work is not this blunt, but I am tired of a certain way I am treated, and will no longer accept any excuse as I have been abused enough by people proclaiming to love me.